


The Spaces Between

by DeiStarr



Series: My Lives As Fate's Chew-Toy [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: And Now For Something Completely Different, Anyone who associates with Danzo is a terrible human being, Asexuality Spectrum, Asperger Syndrome, BAMF Uzumaki Kushina, Baby!Tachi is Precious, Basically Just Being Himself, Basically Lots and Lots of Trauma, Basically: They Don't, Body Dysphoria, Body Image, Body Modification, Brainwashing, Cameo by Future!CT, Child Abandonment, Child Abuse, Child Death, Child Neglect, Child Soldiers, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Chinese New Year, Curse Seals, Damnit Shisui!, Danzou Is His Own Warning, Dark Past, Demisexuality, Destroying Childhood Memories, Different Countries Have Different Languages And/Or Dialects, Eventual Happy Ending, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Needs A Hug, Evil Shimura Danzou, Eye Trauma, F/M, Fuinjutsu, Gender Dysphoria, Government Experimentation, Her Control Over Water Is Ridiculous, Human Experimentation, Intersex, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, It's Root, It's The Only Explanation That Makes Sense, Itachi Is Concerned, Japanese, Japanese Culture, Japanese Mythology & Folklore, Kekkei Genkai | Bloodline Limit, Kid Uchiha Itachi, Languages and Linguistics, Little Brothers, Little Brothers Are Precious, Looking at you Sarutobi, M/M, Medical Experimentation, Medical Trauma, Mental Health Issues, Mokuton, Multilingual, Naras Getting Interested, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Not, Not All Of Us Can Be Neurotypical, Not Always The Way She Wanted, OC Is Certain, OC Was Trying To Fly Under The Radar, OC has terrible ideas, OC is a terrible actor, Orochimaru Being Orochimaru (Naruto), Orochimaru does what he wants, Orochimaru is Still Not Nice, Orochimaru is Unexpectedly Helpful, Other, Others Blow Up In Her Face, Overthrowing the government, Parent-Child Relationship, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Past Drug Addiction, Past Lives, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture, Past Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Siblings, Psychological Trauma, Reincarnation, Revolutionaries, Root fixes that, Self-Insert, Sexuality Crisis, Shimura Danzou Being an Asshole, Shinobi Methods of Dealing With This Are Shoddy, Sibling Bonding, So is Orochimaru, Some Do Anyway, Sometimes Literally, Sort Of, The Uchiha Deserved Better, Things That Shouldn't Work, This Is NOT Helping, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This'll End Well, Tiny Tachi is Adorable, Tobirama Was Secretly A Mermaid, Trauma, Trauma For Everyone!, Uchiha Itachi Being a Good Brother, Uchiha Itachi is a Good Friend, Uchiha Mikoto is an Actual Goddess, Unethical Experimentation, Untested Body Modification With Orochimaru, Untested Seals, Uzumaki Clan, Uzumaki Kekkei Genkei, Uzumaki Kushina is a Goddess, Water, We're Highly Trained Killing Machines, What Could Possibly Go Wrong?, What-If, Who Needs Functional Social Skills, hermaphrodite, most of them - Freeform, see if you can spot her - Freeform, this is actually pretty dark, what do you expect?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-25 09:15:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 33,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22153651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeiStarr/pseuds/DeiStarr
Summary: The story of when, how, and why my life turned into a self-insert fanfiction saga, and how I accidently broke myself trying to fix the world - all while pretending to be someone else. Badly.(In which inappropriate humour becomes a coping mechanism for terrible things.)In other words:What (Not) To Do When:Your New Otou-Sama Is A Mad ScientistDetermined To Reincarnate His Dead Father&He Gets You InsteadOr:The Phrase:"You Poor, Unfortunate Soul"Unexpectedly Becomes A Lot More RelevantAlternatively:How I Disgraced The NameOfSenju TobiramaAKA:Joining Root&Other Fun Times With Danzou-Sama
Relationships: Namikaze Minato/Uzumaki Kushina, Nara Shikaku/Nara Yoshino, TBD - Relationship, Uchiha Fugaku/Uchiha Mikoto, Uchiha Itachi/Original Character(s)
Series: My Lives As Fate's Chew-Toy [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1594597
Comments: 34
Kudos: 257
Collections: A Collection of Beloved Inserts, My Lives As Fate's Chew Toy, Reincarnation and Transmigration





	1. Welcome To The World - The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> This is a lot of exposition, and I'm not 100% happy with it; but it sets the stage for the rest of the story without being too wordy. (I hope!) I've been hospitalized for the last couple of weeks, and will be going back next week, so I don't have as much time to work on this as I thought I would. 
> 
> The first chapter is nearly finished; if a little rough still, but I don't have time to make this as polished as I'd hoped before posting. Please forgive any errors; just let me know nicely and I'll fix them! 
> 
> I now have the lovely Mistress Peverell beta-ing for me! 
> 
> Also, I'd just like to go on record as saying that the amazing GremlinSR gave me permission to borrow her Nara Ensui. He won't be showing up for quite a while, but I'm pretty excited. As excited as I can be at the moment. 
> 
> I just wanted to explain why this still needs editing, and I'm not at my best. There was more I wanted to say here, but it can go up with the next chapter. That way I don't have to think around my brain instead of with it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How it all began, and the brief years of happiness that followed.

**Prologue - The Beginning**

* * *

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own Naruto, or any of the rights to the story created by Kishimoto._

* * *

_Well_

_I grew up where they showed you_   
_The body count_   
_In color on the dinner TV_   
_And I've been numbed_   
_So insensitive_   
_That all I can think about_   
_Is you and me_

_Ya know_

_Children from the best homes_   
_They all have guns and butter_   
_They have their share of murder blue_   
_Well it's not such a wiggy_   
_Awesome-good-time_   
_When a shopping mall milita_   
_Point their cannons at you_

_So it goes_

_All the girls named Gloria_   
_Sing sweetly out of key_   
_The Sun rose in the west today_   
_Accidents in the land of the free_

_I love this world_   
_Modelled after my imagination_   
_More than my conscience should allow_   
_But accidents do happen_   
_Accidents will happen_   
_Don't you dare to push me now_

_Accidentally 4th Street (Gloria) - The Echoing Green_

* * *

Remembering happened in stages.

While I was born with an awareness of my reincarnation, a newborn's brain simply isn't physically capable of holding and processing all of the information that was passed along with my spirit. Even just containing that much was almost too much – infant brains aren't born developed enough to contain anything more complex than the basics of existing. To be blunt, the only reason I survived my first rebirth at all was that my new body's sire was expecting and prepared for reincarnation-related complications, along with chakra bullshit.

My theory for how I survived my various subsequent rebirths is that the seal he put on me right after that first one taught my soul how to automatically repress everything from my past lives when I was reborn, only gradually releasing it as my new brain developed enough to handle it. The fact that the only universes I lived long enough to be aware of my rebirth were ones where they had advanced technological or metaphysical means of sustaining me long enough for my newborn self to recover from the shock and allow my brain to speed through development at a much faster pace supports that.

I have the vague impression that I have been reborn more times than those I can remember, and simply didn't survive long enough to form any solid memories. There's just no way to know for certain whether or not that's actually true. It's only the faint, wispy recollections of something like dreams teasing the edge of my memories, along with the occasional life where I awaken feeling both more rested and with more memories of the womb than usual which leads me to suspect it.

While one of the seals I've placed on myself over the years ensures I won't ever forget anything, I suspect that dying instantly after being reborn may be as impossible to recall in detail as the memories of the womb prior to that. The experience would simply be so fleeting, in comparison to the length of time spent in the womb, that it can't be recalled consciously.

Now that I've finally experienced the process enough times for it to stop sending me into traumatic shock immediately afterwards, I've finally survived a rebirth into a world without those means. Don't misunderstand me – it hasn't actually gotten any _easier_ ; I've simply grown used to it, to the point where I've become numb to that particular form of trauma.

It's still a very harsh experience _physically_ , and my infant body still suffers the fallout; but my infant brain is no longer immediately overwhelmed by the trauma, horror, panic, and grief which characterized my earlier rebirths. The only thing which now separates my experience of childbirth from that of any other newborn are the brief moments of awareness I have before my consciousness suppresses itself.

Even that is still more than a newborn brain is physiologically able to handle; which means there are still complications. It's just that the lack of complex, powerful emotions flooding it all at once means that there's only the strain of containing an adult awareness for those initial seconds between awakening and full suppression to cause problems. 

However it took many lives for me to reach that state of weary resignation and acceptance following reincarnation, and I was most certainly not prepared for my first rebirth. I no longer recall how my original life ended; it was one of the many memories lost to me before I created the seal that preserves them. I do know, though, that it was sudden – I remember ruminating on the subject following my full awakening that I had been unaware of dying at all.

I was therefore doubly unprepared for reincarnation, and the overwhelming fear and confusion I experienced at the time, made it impossible for me to register anything that happened with any sort of coherency. While I now know that the feeling of waking up to discomfort, disorientation, and a somewhat painful and abrupt adjustment to the outside world are typical of the experience of childbirth from a newborn perspective, I had no idea what was happening at the time. Add in that I suddenly seemed to have lost all of my motor skills, proper vision, and ability to communicate; and was somehow naked, wet, and freezing cold. Then I was swiftly lifted into the air and moved about and manipulated by something enormous beyond understanding; the sheer, unadulterated terror and panic I felt at the time was entirely justified.

All I could see were indistinct blurs, I had almost no control over my body, and was in a completely alien environment which was jarringly loud and absolutely _everything_ seemed so vivid and intense it was acutely painful. I lacked even the faintest inkling of where I was, how I might have gotten there, or what was happening to me; or even when and how I had fallen asleep. I had no explanation for my naked state or my wetness; no idea when, how, or why any of it had occurred. My cognitive skills were horrifyingly impaired, and the continuous and inconsiderate man-handling of my body by whatever incomprehensibly massive creature had me, was infinitely violating and uncomfortable. I couldn't even communicate to ask what was happening; any attempts merely resulted in hysterical screaming.

All of that would have been traumatic on its own, but the addition of chakra made everything _so much worse_.

Chakra bullshit may have facilitated my survival, but it also added to the shock I experienced. I may have felt some awareness of it in the womb, but I was also insulated and sufficiently comatose that I didn't consciously notice it. Losing my warm, insulated cocoon at the same time as my consciousness was forced into awareness brought me face to face with it, in a very startling manner. The contrast between a world with chakra from a world without is quite sharp – and for a naturally-attuned chakra sensor even more so. And my new body was gifted with an _extremely_ powerful natural attunement to sensing chakra, along with the massive chakra pool usually possessed by Uzumaki descendants.

The experience following the process of being born can best be described as a complete, simultaneous assault of all five senses; being a naturally-attuned chakra sensor meant possessing a new, unfamiliar sixth sense which could then be assaulted as well.

Moreover, chakra sensing is a function which is performed by both the mind and body acting in concert; and it is as much a spiritual ability as it is a physical one. Most people only gain the use of it upon unlocking their chakra, at which point it is both weak and primarily concentrated in the body, and must be trained to be useful – though only gifted sensors are able to use it beyond the normal range of their other senses. But a naturally-attuned chakra sensor – or natural sensor, as they're commonly called – is born with this ability active; automatically functioning like the other five primary senses are.

Of course, just because a baby is born with the ability to use their senses doesn't mean they're born able to understand the information those senses give them. Naturally-attuned chakra sensors are no different in that respect – they simply have six senses to learn rather than five.

The disadvantage of this, however, is that chakra sensing is by far the most intrusive of the senses – and a natural sensor cannot ever turn it off or avoid using it. Encompassing an awareness of all life within the radius of the sensor's range that is registered concurrently with the body, mind, and soul; the fact that part of it involves the constant transition of sensory input directly to the sensor's soul makes it indescribably _intimate_.

Therefore the "assault on the senses" that occurs after birth is a far more violating experience for babies who are natural sensors. Fortunately, naturally-attuned chakra sensors possess a very limited range prior to the unlocking of their chakra.

Being reincarnated with an adult awareness meant that unlike normal newborns, I did understand the sensory input my new body was giving me, confusing though it was. I did not have this advantage with my new sixth sense, and I did not know what it was.

What I did know was that it made me feel violated in a way nothing else ever had; it accessed a part of me that had never been accessed before, and made me feel exposed in a way that went far beyond nakedness. Because of it, I somehow knew the thing manhandling me was alive, not a machine; though I didn't understand how I knew it, nor did I understand anything else that sense was telling me.

It was upsetting in a way I can't really articulate – there are no experiences in this world that would give me a way to translate accurate descriptions regarding chakra sensing, the closest approximations I can give all fall short of the reality. It's simply so far outside the limits of human understanding in this universe that we literally have no words for it.

In the end, it simply made an already traumatic situation even more traumatic and violating. Even if I'd had any way to expect reincarnation, I very much doubt I would have been in way prepared for what actually occurred to me.

My creator in my new life, however, _was_ prepared; he immediately placed me in a sealing array designed to suppress my adult consciousness into my subconscious, where it would gradually awaken as my brain became equipped to handle it. My panic and horror were quickly doused as I lost awareness, and he moved on to the business of helping my tiny body recover from an experience which it was in no way capable of surviving without his deliberate intervention.

Therefore I lived.

* * *

As I said before, remembering happened in stages; in fits and starts, bits and pieces coming to me as I gained the capacity to be aware of them, something that happened far more quickly than should have been possible.

Again – chakra bullshit.

The end result was that I was a very advanced baby, grasping concepts and retaining knowledge that by all rights should have been years beyond me. While my intellectual development should (and did, to a degree) have outpaced the physical as a result, it wasn't simply one portion of my brain developing rapidly while the other sections fell behind. Part of my increasing cognitive ability involved a desire for control over my mobility and autonomy of bodily functions that led me to push my physical limits as far as they could go, as fast as they could. Which with the assistance of chakra bullshit enhancing things was quite a lot.

That's not to say that I had an adult mind in a baby's body – it's not physically possible, even with chakra. So all those fanfictions where the character is born knowing and understanding and remembering _everything_ were still unrealistic. A baby brain can't do that. I had an adult consciousness, but the seal Otou-Sama used suppressed it into my subconscious to keep it from killing me until my brain was equipped to handle it.

It wasn't that my soul entered my body right at the moment of birth, either – the idea that exiting the womb magically imparts a soul is kinda ridiculous. There's no mystical moment during childbirth that suddenly makes the baby more alive than it was a few seconds ago. It's just that childbirth is a pretty terrifying experience and it was enough to jar me awake again from the dream-state I'd been incubating in. Like cardiac resuscitation - necessary due to the circumstances, but nonetheless violent and unpleasant.

I have some really indistinct memories of the womb, but after the hell that was reincarnating I basically shut down out of self-preservation and spent some time in a semi-vegetative state. I alternated between sleep and half-asleep; like drifting in and out of a sort of coma. 

I didn't think; I just was. I was alive in a technical sense, but I didn't really live. Dreams were formless, fleeting things, and everything was so dark and quiet, warm and comforting that I really only existed.

There was a sort of unreality to everything that made it impossible to worry or care about anything; it was blissful. Being in the womb is the most beautiful, peaceful thing I've ever felt, and I really regret my inability to hold onto any clear memories of it.

To be honest, it felt like the sort of thing you'd normally expect to happen after death, if you expected anything to happen at all. Maybe that sounds slightly morbid, but there's no room for higher thought processes or complex emotions in the unreal serenity before birth. If that's what death is like for other people, then I envy them.

Not paradise, just… Peace.

Coming on the heels of that, childbirth was like being thrown abruptly into hell. It was violent, uncomfortable, frightening, exhausting, even painful. Because after being cocooned away and insulated from everything for so long, the world was just too cold, too loud and bright, and just too everything to deal with. It was too vivid and too open, and it was painful like nerves being scraped raw. I was just so terrified and overwhelmed that I couldn't make sense of what was happening, and I came screaming awake and aware in desperation to figure out what was going on.

Then my consciousness overwhelmed my infant brain, triggering seizures, heart and respiratory failure as my body went into shock.

As I said before, it was only extensive pre-birth planning and chakra bullshit that kept me alive in my first life, then Otou-Sama applied the seal he'd created. He'd gone through a fair bit of trial and error to get there, but my survival gave proof to his first success. 

There's a part of me that wonders what would have become of me if he hadn't been prepared enough – would I just exist in an endless cycle of reincarnation to womb, to birth and death and back again for eternity? 

How many stillbirths, miscarriages, and infant deaths in the multiverse are some of my potential older siblings from that world, or alternate selves from alternate versions of the same?

The suppression of my consciousness was both a blessing and a curse.

A blessing, because it allowed me a measure of innocence and freedom I wouldn't have had otherwise – I acted like a child because I was a child; and any memories or thoughts that were too advanced for me were promptly reburied in my subconscious where I didn't have to worry about them.

A curse, because the event that broke the barrier and caused me to remember completely came too late for me to use those memories to avert a tragedy and save people that I loved.

Instead I was left to remember after the fact, hating myself for my ignorance.

* * *

In the beginning, I didn't really possess a strong sense of self – advanced as I was, I was still a baby, and I still wasn't capable of complicated thought. For this reason, I had no qualms about emotionally latching onto my new parents with all of the adoration and love babies usually feel for them. It was this love that eventually led me to feel so betrayed; a feeling that over the course of subsequent lifetimes has evolved into a black, bitter hatred.

If I force myself to look at things objectively, my new birth mother wasn't horrible – she just had no spine. She wasn't a bad person, and she did love me very much. She was simply incapable of standing up for herself, let alone her children. And she was so very concerned with keeping everyone around her happy, even at her own expense, that she unconsciously pressured her children to be the same way. She was aware of her own weakness, and even did the best she could to ensure I would have additional protection in her place. It truly wasn't her fault that circumstances took that from me; my dissatisfaction with her stems from the fact that it was necessary in the first place, and that she could offer me nothing once it was gone.

I just can't forgive her for abandoning us to Otou-Sama's non-existent mercy. Perhaps if she had managed to protect my otouto I would feel differently, but she didn't and I don't. I know she tried, but her efforts were weak and ineffective. Even I was able to do more to protect him than she did, despite being largely helpless to protect myself. Despite my inability to forgive her, I've never truly hated her – I pitied her too much for that. She was broken early on in her life, and simply never recovered.

My resentment wasn't really directed towards her – part of it was carried over from my past life; where my mother had no problems standing up for herself, but didn't think her children deserved the effort. Nana's self sacrificing nature might not have been such an issue if she had married a decent man, but she hadn't.

For all that my new father was a monster, he tried his best to be a good parent. He was simply as bad at parenting as he was at being a decent human being. I knew, due to his chakra, that he cared in his way, and really did want what he believed was best for me. It led me to blind myself to the exact sort of man he was until too late, because his interpretation of the best for me was very twisted.

Nana's chakra was as gentle and unobtrusive as she was herself – a small, still pond afraid to even ripple, but refreshing and cool to bask in nonetheless. It was calming and soothing, and very comforting to my infant self.

Kajima's was much harsher; it held a sense of barely-leashed violence and destruction, contained by a deep well of determined patience. I was too young when I met him to do more than naively assume it was only due to his primary lightning affinity and secondary of water. Part of it was; but I should have remembered that the tone of a person's chakra is indicative of their true self – it can be hidden, or concealed; but not actually changed.

But he was my father, so I suppose I can't be faulted for thinking the best of him at the time.

In the beginning, I loved them both.

Enough that I was very foolishly blind to some things I shouldn't have been, and that I tried to make excuses for things that are inexcusable. In a way, the worst part is wondering what they could have been if they'd been born into a less screwed up world with less screwed up morals.

Was Senju Nana a doormat because the reality of the shinobi world was too much for her gentle heart to be otherwise?

Was Senju Kajima born a psychopath, or was it growing up in the Elemental Nations that made him into one?

How much of his depravity was born of his own sick mind, and how much was the influence of _Danzou_?

As I already mentioned, he was prepared for potential reincarnation-related problems with my birth. This is because in my second life, I wasn't conceived so much as created in a lab.

On the surface, it _seemed_ reasonable.

After all, Senju Kajima suffered from a low sperm count, and artificial insemination is a perfectly acceptable method of conception for couples who can't conceive otherwise.

What was _less_ reasonable was his decision that, since he would be creating an embryo in a lab _anyway_ , he might as well tinker with it prior to implantation; so as to create a superior child.

What was _completely unreasonable_ was his egomaniacal determination to father the reincarnation of his own father, Senju Tobirama.

He took viable embryos and implanted Tobirama's DNA, running them through a seal matrix that he intended to trigger reincarnation – rather, to grab a soul in the process of reincarnation before it could forget its past life, and ensure it attached itself to the foetus. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that it was intended to force the soul originally meant for the foetus to recall its previous incarnation, in the assumption that the soul would be Tobirama. He incorporated the seals along with the DNA to make sure that the soul he grabbed was correct.

Souls don't have DNA, however, and in the end he got me.

There was nothing particularly special about me before that; I just happened to be the unlucky soul attached to the first foetus to remain viable throughout the entire process, up to and including delivery. I have no idea how many embryos he went through to get to that point, only that Ka-san had a few miscarriages and a stillbirth before me. Kami knows how many never made it out of the lab.

The DNA just passed along some of Tobirama's characteristics; such as appearance, affinities, intellectual capacity, and talents. Not in the sense of my being born with Tobirama's abilities, but in the sense of my possessing the same potential; gifts which still needed to be learned and honed into useful skills. The seal matrices he used on me before and after my birth might have influenced me to take after Tobirama more strongly than I would have otherwise, even with the addition of his DNA; but they were designed primarily to affect the soul. I very much doubt that he had any idea that their effect on me would last beyond a single lifetime, which is really the most charitable thing I have to say about it.

When I first learned of the circumstances behind my rebirth, part of me thought it might have been sentimental – that he might have been motivated by a deep desire for a chance to meet the father he never knew. It was the small, childish part of me that loved him, despite everything; the part of me that wanted to think that in spite of everything else he'd done, he wasn't completely irredeemable. A part of me that didn't completely die until the full scope of the consequences of what he'd done to me hit me in my fourth reincarnation, no matter how much I wished otherwise.

I had learned in my first life that love and hate are not mutually exclusive; that sometimes the worst part of an abusive situation is that it isn't all bad, all the time. That there can be moments of good, of love and affection and happiness that make you love your abuser; that make escaping the situation feel so complicated because of it. That lead you to excuse and justify things that shouldn't be excused or justified, and make you feel as if it's really your fault, even when it isn't. Even when you logically know that it shouldn't be happening and you don't deserve it, that love can mess you up emotionally and keep you from recognizing how bad things actually are.

I don't know how much of an impact my first childhood had on my complicated feelings for my parents in my second, and whether it made things better or worse. While the experience of a happy, normal childhood in my original life might have made adjusting to my new circumstances harder, it might have also made it harder to connect emotionally with my new caretakers, and part of me wonders if that might have made things easier in the long run.

My parents in my first and second lives were miles apart in some ways; but I think one of the things that made me so reluctant to let go of my affection for Kajima was the suspicion that in another, kinder universe, he might not have been all that different from my original father – a man who, for better or worse, I'll probably always love as much as I hate him.

Regardless, it means that I was reborn with a skewed sense of normal – my intellectual understanding of good parenting didn't match my subconscious expectations, and there was nothing that prevented me from imprinting on Nana and Kajima.

* * *

So I was reborn into the Elemental Nations, in the Senju compound in Konoha. I arrived in the early dawn hours of the 3rd day of the 10th month; _Kaminazuki_ , the _Month of the Gods_ , in the 45th year After the Founding of Konohagakure no Sato; the year 45 AFK within Hi no Kuni.

Funnily enough, the AFK Standard was only really acknowledged within Konoha – everywhere else preferred to use the International Standard Calendar; ISC, which was reckoned from the establishment of the Five Great Shinobi Villages, 6 years after Konoha was built.

There were actually a number of differences like that between the world portrayed in the Naruto manga and the reality of living in the Elemental Nations – I was inclined to assume immediately after my first rebirth that they were as much divergences from the original universe as Tobirama's marriage to Uzumaki Ayame in that first world had been, but I later came to understand that those seemingly less important discrepancies were simply lost in translation. It was simply the difference between a manga which is written to be recognisable by those in our world and an actual reality which differs from our own.

Differences in language, timekeeping, calendars, and some traditions and beliefs – it all came down to differences between this world and our own, which led these things to develop differently. While the overall culture of the Elemental Nations was very similar to that of Japan, the most obvious differences laid in language variances, and the overall lack of Westernization.

For example; Kishimoto automatically interpreted the calendar to the Gregorian one which became standard in Japan following the Meiji Restoration. The Elemental Countries, however, were never influenced by non-existent western cultures.

The Elemental Nations followed the Chinese Calendar standard throughout a large portion of East Asia in our world. This means that _their_ 10th month was _November_ ; not October. It was still called Kaminazuki; like it had been in our world before the Japanese rearranged their calendar – hence the likely source of Kishimoto's mistranslation.

Now, I don't mean that no western cultures existed in that world; only that if they did they never had a chance to influence the Elemental Nations. The Elemental Countries evolved in a separate universe, after all, on a different planet from Earth. The Countries themselves were surrounded by a vast and dangerous ocean, impassible by any technique or technology that had been developed there.

Unlike the oceans here; these were constantly stormy, with inconsistent tides, powerful and treacherous undertows, and gigantic, ever-present whirlpools. One could only sail out so far before encountering phenomena similar to localized storm fronts which surrounded the continent.

On top of that, the deep, treacherous waters were home to a large variety of gigantic, prehistoric-type sea monsters. _Chakra-enhanced_ , gigantic, prehistoric sea monsters. Even if navigating the area had been possible, surviving _them_ was not.

Together these things essentially resulted in an impenetrable barrier, and the constant warring state of the Elemental Nations meant that attempting to pass it was never a priority for anyone other than the Uzumaki; who had not yet managed it before Uzushio's destruction.

* * *

So on the 3rd day of that world's equivalent of November, I was born Senju Sayanoma – the grandson and supposed reincarnation of the Nidaime Hokage, Senju Tobirama.

Although 'grandson' is not entirely correct – the first indication Otou-Sama had that not everything had gone exactly as he'd planned was that the embryo he'd performed the procedure on turned out to be female. While it was also not entirely incorrect, as the male DNA he'd incorporated into my being resulted in making me a hermaphrodite, the addition of my memories ensured that I was uncomfortable identifying as male.

While he was prepared to ignore my unclear sex and simply raise me as the boy he assumed I was, Ka-san protested – possibly the only time she ever went against him, and the only time he ever conceded to her wishes. She pointed out that depending on how I developed as I grew, it might be awkward to explain why their son was growing breasts and curves, and that it would be best to give me a more gender-neutral name than Tobirama and wait until I was older to determine my gender. It was something that the midwife and other relatives – namely Uzumaki Kushina – agreed with, so he probably didn't think he could argue.

I think the only reason he gave in to her was that he was confident that 'Tobirama' would affirm his original decisions eventually, and that allowing her to coddle and enjoy her 'Saya-chan' in the meantime was a lesser evil than having the truth of what he'd done exposed to people who might object.

 _'Sayanoma'_ (meaning " _the space between a precious building and a building built as a protective covering over it_ " – basically a kind of very fancy veranda) was sufficiently traditional-Senju enough to placate Otou-Sama and gender-neutral enough to satisfy Ka-san. Senju tradition involved being given vaguely arcitecturally-themed names; males of the main line often having names that referred to " _the space between_ " things. Sayanoma did not sound especially masculine, however; thus they were both satisfied with the compromise.

* * *

To this day, I believe that making Kushina my godmother was Ka-san's way of protecting me from Otou-Sama. Probably not consciously, because for all her submissiveness I don't think that she had any idea what her husband was actually capable of, but she was aware that he was a hard man, and she did recognize that she was not capable of standing up to him and likely wanted to give me a strong female role-model who could.

She and Kushina were not particularly close, nor were they the nearest relations of the various Senju and Uzumaki survivors and descendants Otou-Sama had convinced to move into the compound. However, while my father likely chose my mother for her timid and reserved nature as much as for her bloodline, he didn't realise that she secretly admired her distant cousin's outspoken personality until after Kushina had already agreed to be my godmother.

Without even realising it or intending to, Ka-san complicated and interfered in Otou-Sama's plans for me from the moment Kushina became involved in my birth. I have no doubt that, had her life not been cut short, she would have continued to be a thorn in his side, thwarting her schemes for many years to come.

* * *

Ka-san was young – almost twenty years younger than Otou-Sama, and only just sixteen when she married him. She was his second wife; the first being a kunoichi named Hikari who died during the Second Shinobi War.

From what I understand, their marriage wasn't very happy – while she thought she loved him when they were younger, she eventually became disillusioned with the uncaring man she'd married, and he became frustrated by her willfulness as she became less and less inclined to simply go along with everything he wanted.

Their inability to have children was a source of much strife between them, and even when she proved that he was the one at fault it did not stop him from blaming her. If anything, he resented her even more for daring to 'shame him'. Supposedly, he became unfaithful in an effort to prove he was capable of siring children with someone other than his wife, which was both ineffective and created new problems for them.

In the end, she refused to agree to artificial insemination, and he was concerned enough about his political position not to try with someone not his wife. Her death gave him the freedom to find a new spouse who was more to his tastes. After a respectable mourning period, he began searching for a bride whom he could rule with a firm hand, interspersed with planning out the seals and processes necessary to achieve his goal.

So he turned his eyes to Senju Nana – a meek, soft-spoken civilian girl with Senju blood, much too painfully shy to enter a courtship with someone of her own volition. Her gentle nature was all but crushed under her own mother's overbearing ways, resulting in a quiet girl who kept her head down and tried to avoid notice. She was pretty enough, with long, dark brown hair and eyes, a slim, delicate build, a soft face and a sweet smile.

However she wasn't striking or a great beauty, and her reticence left her overlooked by boys her age and a few years older. When Otou-Sama expressed interest in an arrangement with Nana, her mother, Senju Kimi was relieved to have such a prosperous match for her wallflower daughter. I doubt Ka-san was consulted.

While it took a few years for them to have a child, due to Otou-Sama needing the time to perfect his experiments, Ka-san was relieved when I lived. Losing so many babies beforehand was very hard on her, and _he_ certainly didn't care how it affected her. I think it was that relief that allowed her the strength to argue against him when I was born, that determined hope that led her to seek a strong female protector for my godmother.

She was only nineteen when I was born, and my earliest memories are of being quietly cherished by her. I probably wouldn't have ever been able to muster up a single negative emotion towards her if I hadn't been the only person hurt by her ineffectuality – as it is, the person most harmed by it was herself, and I pity her too much to hold on to my anger. But as a newborn, she met both my physical needs and my emotional ones. At that age, all I really needed her to do was love me, and she did.

* * *

After a short adjustment period to acclimate to the world outside my mother, I settled in as a surprisingly happy baby. Everything fascinated me, and I was constantly captivated by each new thing that caught my attention. It helped that our section of the Senju compound was something of a garden paradise – the rest of the compound was built around it, and it had been created by Hashirama and Tobirama as a home for their family. It was lush and green, with flowing water, and a variety of trees and plants laden with fruit or flowers. The chakra of my ancestors flowed through every inch of it, and it was intensely comforting, long before I knew what it was.

The inhabitants were as colourful as the garden itself – Senjus in a mixture of blondes and browns with damp or earthy chakra, and occasionally fire; Uzumaki's in brilliant red, with voices as loud as their chakra in a variety of combinations – wind and water, with lightning and without; water and lightning; lightning and wind; and wind and fire.

Otou-Sama generally ignored me; he wasn't really interested in involving himself before I became 'useful', so other than checking on my progress occasionally he simply left me to Ka-san. My early memories are vague, blurry things; largely indistinct and unclear due to my infant brain's inability to process or store long term data well. Even developing at an advanced rate, it's still pretty unbelievable that I remember as much as I do.

The first time I had an inkling of my reincarnation as a fact rather than a subconscious awareness – the first time I had any concept of when and where I'd been reborn, and what it might mean for me, was the first time my godmother 'kidnapped' me to explore Konoha. Kushina-ba-chan was cackling madly as she dashed out of the Senju-Uzumaki compound, and I was giggling helplessly in her arms, infected by her wild enthusiasm.

Kushina's chakra could only be described as "wild". It was a stormy whirlwind of fire, rain, hail, and lightning; whipped into a frenzy by gale-force winds. The fire was as unnatural to her own chakra as it would be to a natural storm of that type, though it blended into the wind seamlessly enough that I only really recognized it in retrospect. It was the result of her mastery over the Kyuubi's wind-and-fire natured chakra added to her own blend of wind-water-lightning most Uzumaki shared; with the added talent in using additional, non-native affinities also characteristic of full-blooded Uzumaki allowing her a slight skill with earth.

Her chakra was as chaotic, impatient, and excitable as she was; while not exactly safe, there was a twist of joyful laughter and a playful, teasing edge to the whole thing that assured me I was in no danger from her.

I was around six months old when I saw the Hokage monument for the first time. While my brain wasn't quite developed enough to comprehend or retain all of the memories triggered by the sight, it was startling and frightening enough that I burst into tears, and the subsequent crying jag and accompanying fever left Kushina sufficiently contrite that it took almost another six months for her to repeat the adventure. Even though I'd had a flashback of sorts, I couldn't understand what any of it meant. I was simply left with a vague knowledge that there had been a " _Before_ " and now was " _After_ ", without any clearer picture than that or interest in pursuing more.

Pain is a strong deterrent, after all; especially for a baby.

At a year old, my understanding of my circumstances was still rather simplified, but I had been aware enough for long enough to have come to terms with them to a degree. It helped that I was not aware of specifics at the time, so much as uneasiness and fears that were not clearly defined enough for me to determine their source. Thus our second break-out from the compound went much more smoothly, and paved the way for further ventures.

While the details of my memories from my baby years are much less detailed than they became as I grew older, certain things made an impression on me.

Things such as meeting Namikaze Minato for the first time. Part of me knew that he was important, but the knowledge was drowned out by my brain looking at him and going, _"Shiny!"_ Thus he was dubbed, _"Aka!"_ Even when my speech and comprehension improved, I still referred to him as " _Akaaka_ " – essentially calling him a " _bright thing_ ".

This was partly due to his appearance, and partly due to the bright, overwhelmingly sunny impression of his chakra. While not precisely accurate, his chakra really was reminiscent of a bright and beautiful summer day.

It was the warmth of the sun, accompanied by the scent of damp earth tinged with ozone suggesting a recent summer storm; overlaid by a strong, playful breeze keeping the air from becoming too humid to be pleasant. Gentle and relaxing, with a hint of seriousness hidden beneath the friendly exterior; the only warning of the violence and danger the elements were capable of summoning.

While he was too busy to spend even a fraction of the time with me that Kushina did, he still managed to become one of my favourite people very early. His chakra was as open and friendly as his demeanor, and to this day I regard him as not only one of the most charismatic, but also one of the most _genuine_ people I've ever met.

So he became _Akaaka_ – my bright, shining thing; and I loved him.

* * *

That next trip out of the compound was another of those landmark moments – I was not actually Kushina's only godchild, and my rapid development led to her concluding that she was the godmother of _two_ prodigies, not just one. To be fair, no one but Otou-Sama expected reincarnation, so it was a reasonable assumption.

At any rate, Kushina had decided that her godchildren had to meet – she understood enough of how isolating prodigies found their gifts from her experiences with Kakashi that she felt it was important for us to grow up together so that we would each have a peer to relate to. The problem was that her godchildren were the clan heirs of both the Uchiha and the Senju – and neither father was eager to have his child begin consorting with 'the enemy' at such an early age.

Kushina's best friend, Uchiha Mikoto was not quite ready to bring her son out of Uchiha territory for extended periods of time, much less taking him to visit the combined Senju-Uzumaki compound. So Kushina simply decided to take me along with her on one of her visits.

That was how I ended up meeting Uchiha Itachi.

While a large part of Kushina's motivation from bringing me with her on her visits to her godson stemmed from wanting to help us both make a friend, part of it was also due to the increasing difficulty she was having interacting with us; particularly Itachi.

Her personality tended to overwhelm him, and even as young as a year old she was beginning to notice a lot of similarities between him and Kakashi; in personality as much as intelligence. While Itachi was still generally very mild-tempered and sweet, she hoped that in being proactive and giving him a friend she could prevent him from developing many of the Hatake's bad habits.

While the issues she encountered with me were more mild and less noticeable – I generally enjoyed her enthusiasm and became enthusiastic right back – there were enough similarities between us that she concluded they were simply quirks that came with being a prodigy. She hoped that properly socialising us both would lead us to being less Kakashi, and more Minato.

While details of my first foray onto Uchiha land are fuzzy and indistinct, I remember being stunned by Mikoto's beauty. I was vaguely aware that the people I was being introduced to were significant, but I was much more focused on staring at the pretty lady. She was unquestionably the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, and I wondered if she was a princess, or an angel.

(This resulted in the phrase _Tenshi-Hime_ becoming my preferred honorific for her, going forward. While not actually a proper honorific, Kushina was deeply amused by my stated reverence for her best friend, and encouraged me to continue using it. Mikoto was both flattered and charmed; while Itachi nodded solemnly and agreed it was a completely reasonable title – something that delighted her, given the distance she sometimes struggled with between herself and her precocious son.)

When Kushina set me down on the floor I was upset that she had blocked my line of sight to Mikoto, but I was quickly distracted as my attention was arrested by the fact that there was someone else there as well – someone the same size as me!

While life in the Senju-Uzumaki compound had impressed upon me the fact that people came in all sorts of different colours, shapes, sizes, and varieties of loudness, it was the first time I met someone my own age.

He was pale, dark-haired, solemn, and just as small as I was. The sight of me was probably just as much of a novelty for him – not only because of our similar age, but because my snow-white hair and bright red eyes were probably wholly unlike anything he'd ever seen before. We stared at each other for a moment in fascination. Then I beamed at him and offered him a wave.

He offered me a tiny smile and a shy wave back. My baby mind was as delighted by his returning the gesture as my more mature subconscious was awed by his cuteness, and I decided there and then that _Itachi Was My Favourite_.

Kushina startled us both by squealing loudly, and exclaiming that we were, "Just too adorable for words, dattebane!" and crowing about how she "Just knew that we were gonna be the best of friends – just wait and see, 'Koto-chan!"

While the rest of the visit is murky and fragmented in my memories, that moment of introduction was one of the most pivotal of my existence, and has never lost its clarity.

* * *

Thus went the first year of my new life; and I was happy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cast:
> 
> ****
> 
> **Baby Senju Sayanoma**
> 
> ****
> 
> **Jun Kaname as Senju Kajima**
> 
> ****
> 
> **Zhu Xu-dan as Senju Nana**
> 
> ** **
> 
> **Seo Soo-jin as Uzumaki Kushina**
> 
> ****
> 
> **Kim Ki-bum as Namikaze Minato**
> 
> ****
> 
> **Nozomi Sasaki as Uchiha Mikoto**
> 
> Baby Uchiha Itachi


	2. The Next Few Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayanoma begins facing challenges as she ages, from training, to prejudice, to the complications of living in a village at war. 
> 
> She faces the increased scrutiny of her Otou-Sama, deals with the hatred of her obaa-san, and struggles with some familiar-yet-foreign foes. 
> 
> In the process, she deepens her relationships with Itachi and Mikoto-tenshi-hime, and discovers previously-unknown depths to her relationship with her Kushina-ba.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A look at the early years of Senju Sayanoma, pre-memory restoration.
> 
> Beta-ed by Mistress Peverell!

**Chapter One - The Next Few Years**

* * *

**Disclaimer:** _I own nothing but my OCs and plots._

* * *

_(What's wrong with me?)_  
_(Why do I feel like this?)_  
_(I'm going crazy now)_

_No more gas in the rig_  
_Can't even get it started_  
_Nothing heard, nothing said_  
_Can't even speak about it_  
_Out my life, out my head_  
_Don't want to think about it_  
_Feels like I'm going insane_

_Yeah_

_It's a thief in the night_  
_To come and grab you_  
_It can creep up inside you_  
_And consume you_  
_A disease of the mind_  
_It can control you_  
_It's too close for comfort_

_Put on your break lights_  
_We're in the city of wonder_  
_Ain't gonna play nice_  
_Watch out, you might just go under_  
_Better think twice_  
_Your train of thought will be altered_  
_So if you must falter be wise_

_Disturbia - Rihanna_

* * *

There were several more excursions over the following months – playdates with Itachi occurring frequently whenever Kushina and Mikoto were both in the village, and a variety of other adventures whenever Kushina was at home and could sneak me away. It became a game for us, though most of our escapes were less stealthy than they seemed to me at the time; Kushina wasn't actually irresponsible enough to disappear with me all the time without letting anyone know she had me.

For me, life was a bright, happy thing, filled with wonder. While we were at war, it never really touched me – I was advanced enough to notice when people around me were worried and upset, but too young to understand the cause. Since most people tried to keep their fears and worries hidden from very young children, I wasn't exposed to enough of it to gain that understanding. It helped that my primary caretaker was my ka-san, who was a civilian. While a number of other people in my life would come and go, disappearing for a while when they were deployed, Ka-san and her ka-san – my bossy, interfering obaa-san – were civilians and therefore stable fixtures in my life.

My obaa-san was a woman I had no trouble despising – aside from arranging my parents marriage, she stuck her nose into Ka-san's life all the time and was intensely critical of _everything_ , and generally had one of those personalities I can't stand. I would have made an effort to get along; due to her being family and a constant presence in my life, but she disliked me.

She felt that an intersex grandchild was unacceptable. As such, she blamed my mother for failing her, and me for failing to possess a clearly defined gender. It never stopped her from inserting herself into our lives at every turn, of course; lest we forget how disappointing we were without her there to remind us.

Kushina’s status as my godmother protected Ka-san as well, then – when she was around she had very little patience for “the old hag" and refused to tolerate her verbal abuse of either of us. While Kushina couldn't always be around, she pulled in the other inhabitants of our compound and set up a rotation of variously Senju/Uzumaki ninja to visit us – ostensibly to help prepare me for shinobi life.

My shinobi relatives preferred to let me distract them from the stress of war when they spent time with me, in addition to introducing me to the variety of training methods used for toddlers. Simple things – finger games meant to train dexterity; challenge games involving stretching, rolling, climbing, jumping and tumbling that built up speed, flexibility, and agility; sing-alongs to aid in the memorization of useful concepts.

(These ranged from simple baby songs to teach words and numbers; to catchy propaganda-laden verses to instill patriotism; to more complicated pieces such as “The Flower Song" – which was all about identifying the basic characteristics of various Fire Country plants and if they would hurt or heal, or were good to eat.)

Everyone tended to place some emphasis in their stories, songs, or activities towards their own specialities, and a few of my Uzumaki relatives also included drawing exercises and picture books meant to introduce the beginnings of fuinjutsu and hints towards further Uzumaki lessons _later_.

With the way the war had them all rotating in and out, however, my early education was highly eclectic and varied.

My meetings with Itachi began to involve the two of us being encouraged to play various ninja games together. As we grew, it led to us showing off whatever new skills we had learned, and becoming excited to master everything the other showed us.

He was being trained by his own, far more numerous Clan members as well as his parents; with particular interest from the Uchiha Elders. We pushed each other without realising it; I subconsciously paced my development to mirror Itachi's, and he responded to the challenge by applying himself and advancing further. The positive effects of our interactions with each other on our respective skill levels silenced any potential objections to the development of a Senju-Uchiha friendship from either of our clans.

While we both met a few other children our age in the village, they were so far behind us that it was impossible for us to relate to them. It was only the existence of each other that kept us from feeling completely alienated from the rest of our age-group. Our occasional meetings were something of a relief to him, I think – I know they were for me.

* * *

It took about two more years for me to reach a point where I had regained enough of my previous identity to feel the first stirrings of what I now know was dysphoria.

Admittedly, both bathing and potty training had resulted in an uneasy feeling of something being ‘ _not quite right_ ’ before that, and I was sometimes startled by my reflection, but it wasn't until I had regained enough of my awareness to realise that I possessed a part that I hadn't had “ _Before_ " that it started to be a problem. Together with the disorienting sensation of waking up to a body far smaller than part of me felt it should have been and the jarring way it effected me to glimpse my new face in the mirror when I wasn't expecting it, I became less and less comfortable in my own body.

It didn't help that despite most people using gender-neutral terms for me, Otou-Sama – who had always given me the suffix _-_ _kun_ when he addressed me at all – was increasingly insistent on my using male pronouns such as _-_ _boku, -waga, -asshi, -sessha, -yo_ , and _-_ _maro_ ; as well as referring to me using _-_ _kimi_ and _-_ _kei_ rather than the genderless _-_ _kika_. However the worst was probably when he started calling me _musuko_ , and exhorting me with references to _"_ _Otoko ni naru"_ – telling me to “be a man”.

He also began referring to me as “Tobirama” whenever we were alone, which confused and upset me. I only ever attempted to correct him once.

He hadn't been around much before that, between his disinterest in babies and his time at the war front. However my second birthday occurred at the beginning of his leave, and his presence was inescapable. The abrupt masculinization he expected from me was a startling change, and over the following weeks it began the process of turning my slight discomfort into a full-blown dysphoria.

I had a hazy understanding that sometimes people's bodies didn't match what they were, and that it was okay from _Before_. I also knew that even if it _wasn't_ okay that I still should have been able to be girl, because I had a vagina _in addition to_ a penis. I wasn't quite sure _how_ I knew that or exactly what it meant, however; it wasn't something a toddler could articulate anyway, even one as advanced as I was.

Not to mention that children generally want to please their parents, fear disappointing them, and are typically and unfortunately easy to bully into conforming during their impressionable years. Having the subconscious expectation that disappointing my father would be Very Not Good already ingrained from my first life, I was very much afraid of the consequences if I told him I felt more like a girl. His reaction when I had objected to being called Tobirama stayed with me for a long time afterwards. It only served to re-enforce my fear; assuring my compliance and confirming the wisdom of keeping my silence on my own feelings.

That was only increased by his palpable displeasure with how much I had advanced – despite everyone else acknowledging me as a genius (which to be fair, my new body _was_ ), he expected me to be a _reincarnated genius_ from _this world;_ one who already knew how to do everything I was learning, even if only subconsciously. He didn't realise that the language, culture, activities, and expectations were all foreign to me – I was learning at an accelerated rate, not _remembering_.

Most people were impressed by the progress I'd made in learning to read and write by my second birthday – he was annoyed that I was still learning. My remarkable progress in my shinobi studies was still far behind his expectations. His disappointment and frustration scared and bewildered me.

I began doubting myself, struggling with increasing feelings of defeat and inadequacy. Having often been praised in this life and allowed to progress at my own pace, the harsh criticism and unrelenting demands for improvement were a such a stark change that I was floundering in uncertainty. I had never had any reason to be unhappy with myself before; the constant affirmation of others had given me no cause to feel discouraged by my progress or dissatisfied with my intelligence until now. Now I felt helpless, and acutely aware of my weaknesses.

Shame and insecurity became my constant companions. It was a state which was both familiar yet foreign – I could not recall ever having felt this way before, but something in me recognised it and considered it both inevitable and normal.

That familiarity was strongly flavoured by hints of resentment, bitterness, and unwilling self-hatred, which I shied away from acknowledging. They carried undertones of resignation, hopelessness, futility, and depression; varying apathy and despair, guilt and failure, leading up to an overall sense of fatalistic worthlessness and inescapable uselessness that terrified me. I cowered away from the possibility of giving in to them; instinctively repulsed by the thought of indulging them. I had no words for any of my feelings, having never been exposed to such dark emotions and never hearing them mentioned in my presence. I only knew, with a soul-deep certainty, that if I gave them a foothold they would consume me utterly; I held a grim belief that in such an event I would never escape them.

Therefore the uneasy fear that accompanied their intrusion into my mind regularly inspired such panic that it served as an unusually efficient distraction from brooding on them. While this managed to keep me from falling too deeply into full depression, it did nothing for my nerves, and I began to be rather anxious more often than not.

I only kept Otou-Sama from noticing my increasing problems with anxiety by utilizing the lessons he taught me in emotional control. The end result was that I began to appear blank and emotionless more often than not; while anxiety was another old enemy of mine, Tobirama himself had been rather high-strung. His genetics did me no favours there; and what Otou-Sama assumed was Tobirama beginning to regain his old demeanor was actually me unknowingly adopting the same negative coping mechanism he'd used himself.

He started me on a strict training regimen, straining my growing body and chakra to their limits, while criticising me relentlessly. He was harsh and unforgiving of failure, and unmoved by tears. Furthermore, his derision of my weakness whenever I broke down prompted me to learn to hide my emotions and hold back my tears until I was alone – a process that involved some level of conscious dissociation which he encouraged.

It wasn't simply conscious dissociation where I remained somewhat aware – it was a conscious, _functional_ dissociation; where my emotions were entirely separate from the rest of me while my mind and body were fully engaged. It was both comforting and disconcerting – while I couldn't recall detailed memories of _Before_ , the feeling of dissociating was familiar, but after spending so much time learning not to fall into that state or to bring myself out of it once I recognised it I was painfully aware that it was Very Not Good. I might not have known _why_ , but I knew that it was bad for me.

He tested me in a variety of ways, checking my affinities and trying to gauge my potential in various areas, and finally seemed to be pleased with the results. While confirming all of the talents I had inherited from Tobirama-ojii-san calmed him down some, he was deeply frustrated by the fact that I would need to learn everything from scratch. In the face of such an already tense situation, I bit my tongue and accepted that I would never be able to tell anyone that I was a girl. 

* * *

While I got used to the penis, it still felt weird. Having it might not have bothered me so much if I had been allowed to identify as a girl, since I hadn't been bothered by being treated as non-gender until Otou-Sama began to force me to identify as a boy. _Then_ it bothered me, because the only person who assigned me a gender was using the wrong one.

Obaa-san was _not helpful_ ; I _understood_ her vitriol in ways that I hadn't when I was younger, and it made me feel even more wretched and ashamed than the dysphoria had. I may not have been a boy, but I wasn't a thing. Her terms of address for me were not just unspeakably rude; they didn't even acknowledge me as human. I was _-_ _sore, -sono, -sonomono wa, -mono, and b-utta_ i. To her, I was an _It_ ; a _That_ ; _Itself_ ; and _Thing_.

The fact that Ka-san never said anything against it wounded me in ways I did not expect – while I could see that Obaa-san was cruel to her as well, the fact that she was not even willing to insist that I was a person shattered something in me. I still loved her, but I had lost faith in her. I never really trusted her again; even when I was mature enough to understand that Ka-san’s acceptance of her mother's treatment of me was exhausted and resigned – she had given up trying to convince Obaa-san to at least be civil. She was too defeated and broken to fight for anyone – not even me, and certainly not herself.

While I approached her when Otou-Sama first began to push masculinity on me, I couldn't quite understand _why_ it bothered me so much; only that it did. Since I couldn't offer her a better explanation than, “I don't want to,” or “I don't like it,” she just told me to listen to him. Further protests had her chiding me for disobedience and disrespect, and insisting that I focus on making Otou-Sama happy.

My other relatives were largely absent, as Kajima didn't want anyone to interfere with his training. Kushina-ba-chan was deployed at the same time he had returned, and in her absence no one took me to visit the Uchiha compound; so any and every possible source of comfort or reprieve was lost to me. I had never felt more alone or isolated in my new existence, and it had a long-lasting negative impact on my mental health.

I became increasingly withdrawn and unhappy as time went by; even the end of Otou-Sama’s leave didn't help me very much. I continued my training even when I was alone, being far too afraid of disappointing Kajima to slack in any way. Everything I did was automatic – I worked hard, but there was no joy; no passion in any of it.

The closest I felt to any kind of positive emotion during that time was when I blankly informed Obaa-san that if she didn't leave me alone I would tell Otou-Sama she was interfering with his training plans for me; I stared at her with a frozen expression as I speculated in a cold, dead way about his likely reactions to her hindering my progress as a shinobi. The effect of my ominous words and my expressionless appearance was made all the more chilling by the unsettling disparity between my toddler voice and my detached tone, utterly devoid of emotion.

The way her face drained of blood and she shuddered, unconsciously shrinking away from me filled me with a kind of dark, satisfied pleasure. Managing to instill fear in my life-long tormentor gave me a heady sense of power, which was as welcome as it was unexpected. I could see the horrified realization in her eyes about _exactly_ what sort of “ _Thing_ ” I was becoming; she abruptly understood precisely what kind of “ _Mono_ ” I was meant to be. Finally, she began to consider what it might someday mean for _her_ to establish herself so firmly as the enemy of a future shinobi.

I had not actually set out to inspire fear; only to discourage her from continuously making demands on my time with a variety of chores, tasks, and other excuses to command my presence and reassert her dominion over me in Otou-Sama's absence. That’s not to say that I was displeased by those results, especially when they proved so effective. It put an end to her many contrivances and manufactured reasons for seeking me out – merely a flimsy cover for excuses to lecture, berate, and insult me; with the added bonus of frustrating my desire to follow the new schedule I had set myself.

She became much subdued around me afterwards, too wary of provoking me to approach me. It pleased me to be free of her bullying, but even that was a grim sort of pleasure; a cold satisfaction sitting in my chest.

It was never my intention to escape chores entirely – all of my shinobi teachers had insisted on their importance, after all.

Self-discipline, respect for authority, and absolute obedience to one's superiors were much-desired traits in a shinobi; meaning that being required to tidy after oneself, clean one's own messes, take part in household responsibilities, and be helpful and considerate of one's elders were regarded as an effective method of training young shinobi to instill an automatic expectation of such practices in their daily life. Developing those habits was also hoped to result in a sense of personal responsibility; along with the willingness to notice and correct one's mistakes without prompting, or without objection should mistakes be pointed out to them. All of these traits could then be carried over into shinobi life more easily.

My misery had spiraled into depression, and even the lack of male pronouns being flung around me didn't change it. The dysphoria was now too deeply ingrained, and Obaa-san invaded our lives whenever Otou-Sama wasn't around like a particular toxic burr. It felt like every word from her mouth was specifically designed to be as hurtful as possible. 

* * *

When Kushina returned from the war front, she was startled by the change in me. I was only three, but I had always been such a happy child that the difference left her incredibly worried. She tried repeatedly to cheer me up, but I remained listless. Finally, she snuck me out for a visit to the Uchiha compound, hoping a visit with Itachi would be more effective.

I buried my face in her hair as she ran, closing my eyes and breathing in her scent. She was so bright; colourful and vibrant and loud, and I was so tired. At the same time, she was safe; the one person I felt instinctively I could trust completely, who made me feel accepted and loved and never allowed anyone to be cruel to me. I wanted to talk to her; but everything just felt **_so big,_** and I was just _so small_. Trying to explain everything that happened and how it made me feel seemed like such an overwhelming prospect it made me want to cry.

I ended up dissociating lightly to deal with it, since I couldn't think of anything else to do and it kept me from getting more upset. I was aware when we arrived, but didn't bother to move my head – not even for a chance to admire the beauty of the young Uchiha matriarch.

Mikoto was alarmed by my condition, and upon confirming that I wasn't sick she agreed to see if Itachi might be able to pull a reaction from me. She appreciated my ability to connect to her son in ways that others could not, and thought that the reverse might be true as well.

I was unresponsive as Kushina-ba set me down, docilely taking her hand and following them into the house. It wasn't until I caught sight of Itachi that anything changed.

For the first time since we'd met, I realised _Itachi was a boy_.

I’d always been aware of it, in an abstract kind of way; but this was different.

He wasn't just _called_ a boy and he didn't just _look_ like a boy; he _thought of himself_ as a boy and he _felt like one_.

I realised that _his_ Otou-Sama had no reason to be disappointed in _him_ – he was comfortable being a boy and had no desire to change that. An irrational surge of jealousy and resentment filled me, a burning almost like hatred; I was so startled and bewildered by the swift intensity of my reaction to him that I burst into tears.

The adults froze, unsure about what had caused my sudden breakdown. Before they could react, however, Itachi was already moving.

“Saya-chan? What's wrong?”

He laid his hand on my arm and stared at me with big, dark eyes so earnest and concerned that the harsh feelings within me abruptly drained away. He was even making eye contact, which I knew he found disconcerting. All I was left with was sadness, and an aching guilt that I could have felt so uncharitable towards someone so undeserving of it. I promptly threw my arms around him.

“I'm sorry!” I wailed. I clung to him, sniffling and weeping apologies and requests for forgiveness into his shirt.

Poor Itachi flailed slightly, unsure how to respond to my sudden display of tears. He stiffened, offering me an awkward pat on the back. Kushina smothered a giggle at his panicked expression.

“It's alright!” he assured me. “Please don't cry!”

His face twisted in bewilderment as I went on, and he pulled back, trying to catch my eyes. “Saya, why are you sorry?”

The uncertain lilt in his voice was one I recognized – not a reassurance; but a request for clarification. Social interactions and the differences between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour often frustrated Itachi, who struggled to recognise social cues and non-verbal expectations outside of shinobi situations.

It was almost strange how things he grasped almost instinctively in a shinobi context could leave him so confused outside of it; but his affinity for the Shinobi arts was unreal. There was a structure and purpose to every interaction in ninja contexts that he understood; while more casual interactions seemed so random and arbitrary to him that he found them genuinely upsetting.

He honestly couldn't understand the reasons for things like nonverbal communication; unlike with ninja where it involved a form of sign language and signals being used to avoid being noticed or overheard by enemies, nonverbal communication in a casual context was unstructured, and seemingly optional and superfluous. There were no specific codes he could memorize, no set rules or proper guidelines for circumstances and reasons they might be used. As such, he struggled to recognise them. 

He had learned to trust that I would never react badly to his missteps; never made him feel bad for them, and never hesitated to explain things in a way he could comprehend if he indicated confusion. I also shared some of his struggles to a lesser degree; not wholly, but enough to give me the insight to relate to him in ways others could not.

I turned away, ashamed to look at him. I wrapped my arms around myself and swallowed. I wasn't completely certain how to respond to him, but I knew that I felt guilty for the way I had reacted to him. Both my upbringing in this life and my subconscious habits of the former ensured I tended to be overly-apologetic. I had always been somewhat socially awkward, and preferred to err on the side of caution when it came to apologies.

“I – when I first came in, I was angry with you,” I whispered. “It was mean and you didn't deserve it, and I feel bad now because it’s not your fault I'm upset.”

He still looked rather puzzled, his brow furrowing in thought.

“But you didn't say or do anything mean to me, so you don't need to apologize,” he reasoned.

I shrugged, the listlessness from before creeping back in now that my brief crying jag had ended.

Itachi frowned at me.

“Why _are_ you upset, Saya?”

When I didn't answer, he put his hands on my shoulders and manually turned me to face him.

“I can't fix things if you don't tell me what’s wrong, Sayanoma-chan,” He said, with all the solemnity and seriousness a three year old prodigy can muster.

My shoulders hunched, and I teared up again.

“You _can't_ help, though,” I said miserably. “ _No one_ can do anything!”

“How do you know?” Itachi asked. “Have you told anyone?” His voice was soothing; tone calm and understanding, and eminently reasonable.

I grimaced, reluctant to discuss my problems with Ka-san.

Itachi stared at me, determined not to let things go. His unique blend of social obliviousness and soft-hearted caring meant that any discomfort or displeasure I displayed with the conversation would be ignored; since he was aware that I was upset, he was unlikely to be distracted until he learned the reason and did his best to help me.

It is perhaps the height of irony that the most compassionate person I've ever known struggled so much to process empathy.

“But Otou-Sama will be _angry_ ,” I admitted in a small voice.

“Well you don't need to worry about what your grumpy tou-san thinks right now.” Kushina's voice startled both of us, and we jumped. She knelt down beside me.

"I'm your godmother, Saya-chan; and that means I'll always look out for you, dattebane!” She wore a familiar stubborn expression on her face, and for the first time in a long time, I felt a tiny bit of hope.

She seemed to sense it, because she smiled at me.

“Just tell me what the problem is, and I'll do my best to fix it for you, ‘ttebane!”

I swallowed, and gathered my courage.

“Otou-Sama wants me to be a boy,” I told her, forcing myself to meet her gaze. "But I'm _not._ ”

My lip quivered and I felt myself shaking.

“He- he calls me with _-_ _kun_ , and says I'm his _musuko_ , and– and he makes me feel like there’s something _wrong_ with me! He keeps telling me “ _Oromo no naru_ " – but I'm _not!_ I’m a _girl!_ ”

Now that I'd started, it was like I couldn't stop – I found myself pouring out all of Otou-Sama's corrections to my grammar and speech, his instructions to make me more masculine; my voice gaining in strength and volume as I went on.

 _“I’m a girl!”_ I sobbed, distantly aware that I was nearly shouting. It simply felt so good to finally _say it_ , that I couldn't hold it in anymore. “He keeps trying to make me talk like a boy and dress like a boy and act like a boy, but _I'm not!_ I'm not a boy, and _I don't want to be!_ ”

My voice broke, and I couldn't stopped the tears from falling. “I'm a _girl_ ,” I said, weeping from the sheer relief of acknowledging it. _“I'm a girl.”_

“Oh, Saya-chan,” Kushina said, looking heartbroken. “Of _course_ you're a girl; you're a beautiful girl, and no one should say different!”

“Then- then why..?” I sobbed, barely able to keep speaking. _“Why can't Otou-Sama just let me be a girl?!”_

“I didn't know he was doing that, Saya-chan. I swear I didn't know, ‘ttebane; _I didn't know!_ ”

Kushina pulled me into her arms, and I went willingly. She shushed me, and rocked me, holding me tightly. I clung to her just as fiercely, soaking in her love and acceptance.

“There's _nothing_ wrong with you,” she said. She pressed a firm kiss to the top of my head, and took a deep breath to continue. I interrupted, unable to stop the confessions now that they'd started.

“Obaa-san doesn’t think so,” I whispered. I closed my eyes, seizing the edge of her sleeve in my fists as I huddled into her. “She calls me _sore; sono_ or _buttai_.”

Kushina-ba stilled.

My voice was hushed as I continued; shame and hurt making it so I could barely force the rest of the confession out.

“She talks like… like I'm not really a person.” I swallowed thickly, tears caught tight in my chest. “She _hates_ me.”

Kushina drew in a short, sharp breath, tightened her arms around me as she snarled, “Kimi's a kami-forsaken idiot, and a bitter, dried up, old hag!”

She shook with the force of her rage, squeezing me so tightly it hurt. She fumed into my hair, muttering insults and imprecations under her breath, and some of them were so ridiculous or shocking I burst into slightly hysterical laughter.

She refocused her attention on me, loosening her embrace and patting my back to calm me down. “ _Gomen_ , Saya-chan; I forgot myself for a minute.”

She offered me a weak smile as I hiccupped.

“You leave Kimi-san to me,” she said. “She's a terrible person, but if I knew how bad she was treating you I never would have tolerated it. I promise – I _will_ be dealing with this; and she’s not gonna get away with it anymore.”

I nodded, exhausted and not trusting myself to speak anymore.

She sighed, running her fingers through my baby-fine hair.

“We'll come back to that later,” she decided. “Because it's serious, and we need to talk about it so that I know everything that's going on there. For now, we're gonna talk about your tou-san, since him treating you like a boy was what you were saying upset you first.”

She hesitated, considering where to start.

“When your ka-san was expecting you,” she said, haltingly. “Your tou-san was convinced that she was having a boy. He was so convinced he told everyone he was having a son, even though the doctor wasn't certain.”

She pursed her lips, then let out a sigh. “I guess he's just not very good at admitting when he's wrong.”

Her arms tightened around me. “But he _is_ wrong, and I'm gonna deal with this, dattebane!”

I peered up at her, eyes widening. “You are? _How?_ ”

She shot me a grin. “Did you know, when you were born, your tou-san tried to name you Tobirama?”

“What?!” I gaped at her. Otou-Sama talked about and compared me to Tobirama-ojiisan _a lot,_ and he might have taken to _calling_ me Tobirama; but I hadn't realised he'd tried to make it _official_.

Kushina-ba ruffled my hair.

“Your ka-san and I set him straight – he was talking like you were a boy, so we put a stop to it!”

“Really?” I squeaked. “Ka-san did?”

I found myself sceptical, given Ka-san's lacking defense of me now.

“Absolutely, dattebane!” Kushina's voice was firm, and my gut twisted. I turned my face away, unsure what expression I might be wearing. I couldn't decide if I felt pleased or betrayed by the revelation – probably a mixture of both.

“Saya-chan?” Kushina prodded me gently, reading me far too well. “What else has been going on?”

She settled me back into her arms, letting me take comfort from her presence while I struggled to find my words.

“I tried to- I talked to Ka-san,” I admitted, the words tumbling out haltingly. “She just- she told me to obey Otou-Sama.”

I blinked back tears of remembered frustration. “She-she said- she just said I had to listen to him!”

I closed my eyes, hating the way my chest ached all over again. “She never says anything against obaa-san, either.”

Kushina’s arms tightened, and she was silent for a few moments before she dropped her chin onto the top of my head and sighed.

“Nana never goes against Kimi-san,” She murmured. There was a weight to her tone that I couldn't identify; an underlying meaning that I couldn't catch.

“Kimi-san raised her alone, and she… made sure that your ka-san would never cross her.” She paused. “Nana doesn’t agree with her; she just doesn’t know how to say or do anything against her.

“You know that your ka-san is a civilian, right, Saya-chan?” She spoke slowly, cautiously; wanting to comfort me without misleading me, to explain without belittling my hurt. I nodded against her chest, and waited for her to continue.

“Well, your ka-san… she's a very timid woman.” I waited out her pause slightly impatiently, giving a short, sharp nod to indicate that she should continue.

“See, she's always been like that – afraid of conflict, flinching whenever there's disagreements. Afraid to speak up; never wanting to upset anybody. She didn't even choose to marry your otou-san; that was all Kimi-san. Your obaa-san was thrilled to be able to arrange such a prosperous marriage for her daughter, she never stopped to wonder if it was what Nana wanted.” She huffed, scowling slightly.

“Not that what Nana wanted ever meant anything to her to begin with,” she muttered. She shook her head. “The problem with the match is, that even though she married Kajima, Nana's _afraid_ of him.

“I'm not saying he's hurt her,” she added hastily, realising the implications of her previous statement. “Nana's just not comfortable with ninja in general; not even kunoichi, and Kajima's not really… He's not a very warm man; he intimidates her whether or not he means to.”

She rubbed her face with one hand, letting out a heavy sigh.

“I'm not trying to gossip, or talk bad about your parents,” she said, sounding strangely tired. “I'm just explaining why your ka-san won't ever go against your otou-san by herself.”

Slipping a hand underneath my chin, she tilted my face up towards herself. “But it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, or want what's best for you, Saya-chan.” She caught my eyes, making sure I could see how serious she was before she continued. “ _That's_ why she made _me_ your godmother.” 

I blinked up at her, confused. She snorted at the look on my face, her lips tugging into a grin. Smoothing my hair back over my forehead, she elaborated, “Me an’ Nana aren't really that close, dattebane. In fact, her asking me to be your godmother was the first time we ever spoke.”

My eyes widened again. “But…” I trailed off, unsure of how to continue.

Kushina seemed to have no problem interpreting my uncertainty, however. Her smile gentled as she spoke.

“She’s a civilian, and uncomfortable around ninja; and even though we live in the same compound we aren't actually related ‘cept through marriage - I'm a full-blooded Uzumaki, and she’s the granddaughter of a Senju without any Uzumaki blood – so we never had a reason to interact. Even after she married my _itsuko_ , Kajima; I avoided her ‘cause he's a _teme_ an’ he pisses me off a lot.” Her tone grew a bit sheepish towards the end, and she offered me a one-shouldered shrug.

I held back a giggle at her clear distaste for Otou-Sama; but the slightly smug expression she wore informed me she had noticed my amusement and had no intention of scolding me for disrespect.

“But Nana talked to me about all this when she was pregnant; she was so scared, but she’d already lost babies, and it was really hard on her. So once she knew that she was gonna be carrying you to term, she was feeling pretty protective. An’ she knew that once you were born she wouldn't be able to protect you.”

I opened my mouth, and she touched a finger to my lips, to keep me quiet.

“Nana told me that she wanted me to be your godmother because she admired me; but most of all because she knew she could never stand up to Kimi-san or Kajima-teme, and she knew that I could. And that if I thought it was best for you, I _would_.

“She wanted you to have a strong female influence to balance your otou-san growing up, and it needed to be a female _shinobi_ influence that could tell if your otou-san was crossing any lines. She was also worried about Kajima’s reaction if she had a daughter, since he was so insistent on having a son – she wanted someone to be there for you if he wouldn't. And she wanted it to be someone your obaa-san couldn't intimidate or over-rule, to keep her from hurting you.”

She slid her hand to the side of my face, cupping it and stroking the top of my cheek with her thumb.

“I agreed to be your godmother because in the end, I admired her courage. Your ka-san might not be brave in the traditional sense, but what she asked me for took a different kind of strength. She’s been hurt pretty badly, and she didn't want the same thing for her baby. She recognized that she couldn't fight for you herself, so she wanted you to have someone that could. She didn't want me to be your godmother – she wanted me to be your _champion_.

“I was pretty honoured and impressed, ‘ttebane. She was honest with me about her weaknesses, her reasons for seeking me out, and her only goal in all of it was looking to protect you – and she was prepared to make sure I had the tools I needed to do it. She didn't just make me your godmother, Saya-chan – she made us _family_. We were already related on your otou-san’s side; but she choose to give me the legal right to make decisions for you by signing over her rights as your mother.

“That doesn’t mean she didn't love you, or want you; or change the fact that she's your mother,” She added, swiftly moving to cup my face between both of her hands as she reassured me.

“She just made a very difficult decision, and coming to me for help was the hardest thing she'd ever done. But she wanted to make sure you were protected in ways she couldn't do herself. Giving me the _official_ , legal authority to make decisions for you like a parent fixed that; but she’s still your mother. She just made an incredible sacrifice to keep you safe, and I admired the bravery it took for her to do that.”

The implications of the conversation made me dizzy. I licked my lips, feeling overwhelmed and uncertain how to respond.

“What,” I faltered. “What does that mean?”

“What it means,” she paused, and looked me in the eye. “Is that I have the _legal right and authority_ to keep Kimi-san away from you. I have the _right_ to interfere with Kajima trying to raise you as a boy. I have the _right_ to do whatever I have to do to keep you safe – even when the danger isn't physical.”

I felt a smile stealing across my lips. “Really?”

She nodded, smirking. “Now that I know what’s been going on, Kajima-san and I are gonna have a little… _talk_.”

She cracked her knuckles, and I couldn't hold back my giggles. Her smirk got bigger, and Mikoto giggled as well.

I was abruptly reminded of our audience and flushed. I tumbled out of Kushina's grasp, straightening myself up only to lower my upper half into a bow, carefully positioning myself to indicate sincere respect and regret. 

_“Gomen-nasai, Mikoto-Tenshi-Hime! Watashi o yurushite!”_

I was incredibly embarrassed at the way I had forgotten my manners. My face burned at the thought of what she must think of me. 

Ka-san always stressed the importance of manners to me, but I found the various social rules and expectations confusing enough that I often defaulted to formality. It was a trait I shared with Itachi – we both took comfort in formal behaviour, since the guidelines were fairly rigid and therefore clear.

Manners were a vital part of our culture, but my subconscious expectations for polite behaviour were based in a society that didn't exist here. I lacked enough familiarity with Japanese culture to respond appropriately, and struggled to adopt the new social cues and understandings necessary to make the transition.

Traditional Japanese formality was complex and demanding, with little room for error – but the strict guidelines offered a frame-work for acceptable behaviour that was clearly defined.

Politeness was _important_ ; but when you tend to be rude without meaning to or even noticing, having a way to ensure you aren't accidentally offensive is a relief. Keeping silent unless you were expected to speak; carefully choosing your words to use the most polite language, spoken as formally and carefully as possible; and guarding yourself against indulging your impulses or deviating from formal behaviour were the most effective ways we found to avoid being rude.

While it often came across as precocious and adorable because of our current ages, it could also be very stiff and off-putting; especially when we maintained formality despite no one else around us doing the same. Itachi took it further than I did – I tended to get caught up, or excited, and forgot myself at times, but he was more strict about maintaining it. Part of that was because the Uchiha maintained their status as one of the Noble Clans, and therefore had more traditional expectations of behaviour for their children; the rest of it was simply Itachi's perfectionist nature not wanting to slip up.

So upon realising I had acted unthinkingly, I offered a formal bow and apology. I simply needed to reassure myself that I hadn't been rude, or could make up for it if I had been.

“Maa, don't worry about it, Saya-kika.” She reached out and helped me straighten myself up, and I smiled shyly at her in thanks. “It sounds like you had cause to be upset.”

 _“Hai, Mikoto-tenshi-hime; ”_ I nodded firmly. She gave me a gentle hug of her own, and I enjoyed the affection for a moment before she released me, giving me one of her sweet, gentle smiles.

Biting my lip, I turned back to my friend.

 _“Arigato, Itachi-kun,”_ I said, offering him a grateful smile. “If it wasn't for you, I might never have told anyone! Then I would never know that Kushina-ba-chan could make Otou-Sama stop!”

He looked pleased; with a small, shy smile, and the tops of his cheeks slightly pink.

“I'm glad,” he said, his eyes fixed just slightly to the left of my face. “You're my friend, and I don't want you to be sad.”

His own face turned serious at the end, and he was just so adorable I couldn't help glomping him. Luckily, Itachi had grown used to my occasional demonstrativeness over the course of our friendship, and adjusted himself to catch me. The first few times I'd pounced on him, I'd knocked the poor boy over. I was fortunate that he had the patience of a saint, and had inherited his mother's fondness for hyperactive, chatty friends.

While I wasn't really conscious of my reincarnation yet, subconsciously I recognised that Itachi wasn't just unimaginably advanced – he was also a heart-stoppingly cute toddler with a very sweet disposition and a gentle, caring heart. At the time, it simply translated into random upwelling of affection accompanied by a sporadic urge to cuddle him, which I indulged in without shame. He tolerated my enthusiastic displays of affection even when they confused him; while not always certain of the correct response, he never outright rejected me, even when he wasn't completely comfortable with it.

I did my best to return the favour by learning to recognise when he was having a “no touch" day or mood, and respecting his boundaries. When he was in a more receptive mood, I offered him as much physical affection as I could without crossing the line into making him uncomfortable. He relaxed around me as a result, in a way he did with no one else.

While I was Kushina's godchild, Mikoto had become extremely fond of me as well. Part of it was my blatant adoration of and admiration for her; in part because she came to genuinely care for me for myself; while the rest of it was due to my relationship with her son. I was quite obviously devoted to Itachi, which pleased her because Itachi was less obviously but no less devotedly attached to me as well.

While neither of us enjoyed the occasional attempts of our parents at encouraging social interaction with our peers, it was markedly more difficult for Itachi, in ways that often baffled his parents. His response to failed social interactions was to become more and more withdrawn, and despite his advanced vocabulary he became increasingly silent. He was uncomfortable with physical affection at times, and was independent enough that his parents withdrew from offering it more often than not.

As a result, he had little-to-no physical contact with anyone other than me outside of sparring, and my friendship was one of the only things keeping him from becoming touch-starved. Kushina was always more than willing to offer affection, but she was enthusiastic about it in ways that sometimes left her godson distressed. She hugged too hard and too long, and shouted too loudly – not to mention her compliments and terms of endearment frequently made little sense to him. Her snatching him up and carting him around, squeezing tightly and yelling excitedly upset him, subsequently worsening his tolerance.

Part of me recognized that Itachi was special beyond being a prodigy. He was a genius, and incredibly, almost unimaginably gifted. For the most part, I simply accepted the idea that Itachi was special _because_ he was Itachi; yet a part of my mind was always dedicated to cataloguing his idiosyncrasies and habits, and learning to read his moods. I had no trouble accepting all of them as things that made Itachi into _Itachi_ ; but subconsciously I was beginning to recognise that my friend was not quite neurotypical.

However, the many things which I simply accepted about Itachi often caused problems with anyone else. Even his parents frequently unintentionally hurt him, because they would assume his advanced intelligence meant he could understand why they rebuked or disciplined him for certain things when he couldn't. He was already becoming very silent, blank-faced, and controlled; utilising his shinobi lessons constantly to avoid crossing lines of behaviour or conversation he couldn't see. While it kept him from being reprimanded, people felt even more put off by the appearance of such a tiny, emotionless soldier. Fugaku and the Clan Elders responded by treating him more and more like the shinobi he behaved like, and increased his training accordingly.

Mikoto was distressed by the changes, feeling as though she was losing her baby far too quickly, but didn't know how to reach out to him. His occasional discomfort with physical contact forced her to withdraw from him physically, uncertain of her welcome. It was only her observations of my interactions with him that encouraged her to keep trying – taking note of the cues I picked up on instinctively that had me giving him space or snuggling, and she adjusted her behaviour accordingly.

While he was still very passionate about his interests, I was really the only one he dared to ramble to about them anymore. Mikoto would have almost thought he _had_ no interests outside the Shinobi arts anymore if she hadn't seen him interacting with me with his guard down.

This led her to try and reconnect with him through them, saddened that he'd felt the need to conceal them from her in the first place. She was beginning to understand that he hadn't always understood _why_ he'd been punished for indulging those interests at length – only that he had, and was rebuked for not training instead. While on occasion he'd skipped out on other lessons he was less interested in for his own pursuits, his parents had unintentionally given him the impression that he wasn't _allowed to have_ other interests _at all_.

It was part of why Itachi was so attached to me – the fact that I considered him my best friend, understood him so well, and accepted him so completely gave him a life-line he wouldn't have had otherwise. He still struggled to understand the way neurotypical people thought and reacted, but he was better-adjusted than he would have been without my influence.

So he simply sighed and resigned himself to my acting like a limpet for the next few minutes until his touch-tolerance began to wear thin.

Mikoto and Kushina whispered overhead as Itachi hummed to himself, lost in thought while I snuggled him. I automatically detached myself before he could become uncomfortable, and he stilled.

Abruptly, he stopped his humming, saying, “It's a good thing you're a girl, Saya-chan; now when we're grown up I can marry you.”

I blinked at him, wide-eyed.

“Why?” I asked; not upset, only confused. Unlike Itachi, who had heard much on the subject of his future duties as the Uchiha Heir, the concept of marriage relating to myself had yet to enter my head at all.

“Because I have to marry a girl someday, and you don't annoy me,” he explained. “You understand me, and we're friends, and I think you're the best person I know. So I'd rather marry you than anybody else.” 

Put like that, it seemed very reasonable to me, and I immediately agreed. 

He tilted his head, examining me.

"Plus you look very different, and it's pretty," he added, rather bluntly. 

I blushed, pleased to be complimented. 

"You're pretty, too, 'Tachi," I said. 

He nodded, accepting it as the compliment I meant it to be. 

Kushina and Mikoto stifled giggles as they caught our conversation; but at the time we were oblivious. They exchanged glances; silently agreeing that we were adorable, and not wanting to burst our bubble by explaining that such a marriage was unlikely to be allowed.

We were just shy of being four-years-old, after all; they were certain that any baby-crush we might form on one another wouldn't last long enough to be an issue. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Cast Photos:
> 
>   
> 
> 
> Kushina and Saya-chan
> 
> ** **
> 
> Chibi Uchiha Itachi
> 
> Michelle Yeong as Senju Kimi 


	3. What It Means To Be Uzumaki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saya gets new living arrangements, makes her first enemy, and learns about being an Uzumaki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a lot of exposition - it was necessary to cover a lot of the essential world-building I have in mind for this. I'll explain at the end why I couldn't just write it as dialogue.
> 
> Mistress Peverell provided the Beta!

**Chapter Two - What It Means To Be Uzumaki**

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**Disclaimer:** _I only own my world-building and my OCs; the rest is Kishimoto's._

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_Like a chest of hidden gold_   
_Shimmers in the depths below_   
_We are, we are, the treasures that they hide_   
_Like the sun that saves the night_   
_Bursting through a darkened sky_   
_We are, we are, soldiers of the light_   
_And we will glow_

_So let them build their righetous tower_   
_Our blazing hearts will burn it down_   
_We are, we are, soliders of the light_   
_And we will glow_

_We are fire, we are fire_   
_And our love will burn_   
_The flame will never die_   
_We are brighter, we are brighter_   
_Let's show 'em how we light up tonight_   
_And we will glow_

_Glow - Ella Henderson_

* * *

I was not privy to the exact details of Kushina's confrontation with Otou-Sama – she left me with Minato at the time, and I was too young for her to feel comfortable sharing any specific details with me afterwards.

Judging by his hostility at the mere mention of her in later years, it wasn't pretty.

At the time, I simply enjoyed having the full attention of my _Akaaka_ all to myself. He indulged me and we cuddled while reading " _The Tale of The Utterly Gutsy Shinobi_ " together.

His voice rose and fell as he read aloud, inserting accents and emotion throughout the story wherever necessary. He was a superb orator, and I listened to his enthusiastic reading in breathless delight. I liked the story well enough for itself; but it was Minato's reading of it – his talent and love for the story – that made me truly _love_ it.

"Did you enjoy that, Saya-chan?" he asked as he closed the book.

I smiled and nodded vigorously.

_"Hai, Akaaka-ji!"_

With a grin, he ruffled my hair, laughing out loud when I squeaked in dismay and tried to smooth it back down. I shot him a glare that only earned me another chuckle.

"You know, that book is very special to me and your ba-chan," Minato said. "We love it so much, we said if we ever have a son we'll name him Naruto."

I blinked at him, a weird jumble of feelings, images, and impressions hitting me. It was slightly confusing, and over so fast that I couldn't make sense of it all. They were accompanied by such a strange mixture of emotions; sadness and happiness, joy and grief – all so intertwined and blurred that my head ached trying to grasp them all. It was bad enough that I was just grateful when it faded.

I was left with a vague sense of dread and anticipation; confused by the certainty that such an event would be both wonderful and terrible. The images hadn't made any sense to me at all; I had the impression that they were important, but they had flashed through my mind too quickly for me to process. The only thing that really stood out to me was –

"Orange."

"What?" Minato looked understandably bewildered by my random comment. I blushed.

"When you and Kushina-ba have a baby, he'll be very orange," I stated, feeling absurdly certain of it.

Minato stared at me wide-eyed, then abruptly burst out laughing. My offended look only spurred him on further; so when Kushina returned she found him doubled over on the couch, clutching his sides. I was sitting beside him with my arms crossed and the rather distinct expression of a wet kitten on my face.

He explained our discussion between giggles, and Kushina joined in on the hilarity. My sulking intensified, which was not a very effective deterrent. Apparently I had a long way to go to be considered intimidating.

Eventually, they calmed down enough for him to ask her about the results of her discussion with my father. Which promptly caught my interest and I leaned forward, disgruntlement forgotten.

"Saya-chan, how'd you like to come live with me and Minato, hmm?" Kushina poked my cheek with a sly grin.

I gaped at her. _"Really?"_

Her face softened. "Hai, really," she said.

I threw myself into her arms and burst into tears. The two of them flailed and panicked a bit, which made me start giggling. They calmed down after that, having realised nothing was wrong; and they began to act silly just to make me laugh harder.

In all the fun, I forgot to ask anymore about the discussion. The end result of the situation, however, was that I moved in with Kushina-ba and Minato.

The following year and a half was the best of my second life.

* * *

I glared fiercely at the enemy across from me, while he stared back at me with equal animosity pouring through his mask. Neither of us was willing to look away, or even blink; lest they become the loser in our impromptu showdown. While we weren't quite making eye contact – which probably made the already absurd display that much stranger – we were both watching out of the corners of our eyes to see who would give in first.

"Akaaka-ji and Kushina-ba are _mine_ ," I told him, with all the possessive indignation my tiny self could possibly convey.

He scoffed.

"That's not even Sensei's name - it's _Minato_ ." He gave me a scornful sneer. "You must be an _idiot_."

With an offended screech, I attempted to tackle him; only for us both to be pulled back by our ears while an unamused male voice declared, "That's _enough!"_

We both looked at Minato with wide eyes, while he leveled a disappointed look at both of us.

"Kakashi, you do realise you're arguing with a _three-year-old?"_ He stared at my opponent with one brow raised. Kakashi's silver gravity-defying hair seemed to droop under his sensei's disapproval.

" _Hai, Minato-Sensei_ ," he muttered, the tips of his ears colouring in embarrassment.

My smugness didn't have time to do more than briefly raise its head before Minato's eyes fixed on me. I found myself wilting under his gaze.

"Sayanoma, I've been Kakashi's sensei since before you were born. Which is why I wanted you two to get along." The expression on his face left both of us feeling rather ashamed.

I side-eyed the older boy, distinctly unhappy with the situation. It was that there was anything wrong with him, exactly; I just felt threatened by his position in my _Akaaka's_ life. It was different from sharing Kushina-ba with Itachi for several reasons.

First, I had been a lot younger when Itachi and I were first introduced; and the presence of Mikoto kept me from understanding that I would be sharing Kushina-ba with him until after we were already friends.

Second, Itachi was _Itachi_ . He was _special_ ; and there was very little, if anything, that I wouldn't be willing to share with him.

And finally, my situation meant that Kushina-ba was _mine_ in a way that she didn't belong to anyone else. My claim on Minato, on the other hand, felt a _lot_ more precarious.

Not that I understood it in precisely those words at the time – all I knew was that I didn't like him. I didn't want him anywhere near _my_ family, and part of me was scared that my _Akaaka_ liked him better than me.

Little did I know, Minato was inwardly offering a prayer of thanks for my presence. My annoying Kakashi into being distracted from his grief was the first sign he'd had in months that his first precious student hadn't been completely broken by the loss of another.

I frowned, examining Kakashi's chakra for anything I could use to object to his presence; but there was nothing. While his chakra was currently buzzing in hostility towards me, the feeling was _entirely_ mutual. His chakra contained nothing else I could point out as a sign of evil, which did not help my mood at all.

"Do you think the two of you can put aside your differences for me, then?" Minato asked.

He was doing that thing again; where he projected _earnestness_ and _trust_ . His chakra would practically be speaking aloud, saying, _I know you can do better than this_ , and _I'm sure you won't disappoint me, right?_ In the face of _that_ , the idea of letting him down felt abhorrent.

I glanced at Kakashi again, who tilted his head in an unspoken offer of truce. I nodded, grudgingly.

" _Hai, Minato-sensei /Akaaka-ji_ ," we chorused. He smiled proudly at us.

"Good!" He clapped once. "After all, we're practically all family! I'm sure you'll enjoy having a brother or sister once you've tried it. And I expect you to set an example as the oldest, Kakashi."

"I will, Sensei," Kakashi stated, as solemnly as if accepting a mission.

"And you, Saya-chan? There's a lot you can learn from your Kakashi-nii-san, you know."

Kakashi smirked at me briefly, though the expression was gone by the time he turned back to Minato. I wiped the scowl off my face and nodded, unable to help the tiny pout that formed in its place.

" _Hai, Akaaka-ji_ ," I repeated.

He ruffled our hair with both his hands, beaming happily at us. "That's better! I'm sure I can count on you to look after each other."

"Don't worry, Sensei," Kakashi said, his face the picture of innocence. "I'll look after my new _Imouto-chan_ \- she's practically still a _baby_ , anyway."

I glared at the side of his head.

I decided one then and there that I _hated_ Hatake Kakashi.

* * *

"So, Saya-chan," Kushina-ba clapped her hands right over my head, making me jump. She gave me a wide, toothy grin, and leaned in so close I nearly went cross-eyed. "I think you're ready to learn a bit about your Uzumaki heritage now, 'ttebane!"

My eyes widened.

My Uzumaki relatives had all agreed that I had inherited the Uzumaki Kekkei Genkei which had skipped my father; but they had _also_ all insisted that I wouldn't be taught anything about it until I was older. I couldn't stop the excitement from spreading over my features, and I nearly bounced in my seat in anticipation.

Kushina laughed, pleased by my eagerness.

"Settle down, dattebane!" She said. "There's something we've gotta do before we start."

Her face changed, giving me a serious look as she continued, "First you gotta read and sign the oath."

I squinted at her, trying to decide if I'd ever heard mention of such a thing before. My mind drew a blank, and curiosity overwhelmed me.

"What oath?" I asked.

"The Uzumaki Oath of Silence and Solidarity, dattebane!"

"The Uzumaki Oath of Silence and Solidarity?" I echoed.

"Hai," Kushina-ba said, nodding. "Everyone who inherits the Uzumaki Kekkei Genkei has ta take it before they learn any Uzumaki secrets. It's tradition!"

"What's it for?" I asked.

Her expression grew distant, and sad.

"We were always taught that if we didn't keep Uzumaki secrets secret, that everyone would be too afraid of us if they knew the extent of what we were capable of, 'ttebane. That the whole world would turn on us if they ever knew the truth." Her lips twisted in a bitter smile.

"In the end, That's exactly what happened. The other countries all banded together to destroy Uzushio, and all the Uzumaki with it."

My mouth curled into a small "o", and I felt very intimidated.

"The only survivors were either mixed-blood Uzumaki's they didn't think could use the Kekkei Genkei, or children too young to know the secrets." The weight of an old grief, and helpless anger shone from her eyes.

I swallowed heavily; suddenly aware that this lesson was not just a privilege, but a responsibility as well. I couldn't really wrap my head around the full scope of the tragedy, but I was aware that it had been a great loss. It wasn't entirely real to me, sheltered as I was.

Nevertheless, I understood that what I would be learning was not just my birthright; but also a duty to be carried on to future generations.

Kushina pulled out a scroll, on which was scribed the Oath in beautiful, flowing calligraphy. It was written in the native tongue of Uzushiogakure no Sato; and I understood that I had been denied the Uzumaki secrets until I was fluent enough in their language to read it.

The closest approximations to the Uzumaki language script I can think of in our world are Cyrillic; and even then the similarities are negligible. The Uzumaki tongue is singularly unique, and while the writing system flows beautifully, it was designed to be utterly incomprehensible to anyone not already fluent.

* * *

Something important to understand to give context for this is that just as the Naruto series incorrectly portrayed the Elemental Nations as operating on the modern Gregorian calendar, the elements of western influence that caused this to be the case in Japan did not exist in that world. While there was a generally accepted common language and culture through the Elemental Nations; each country had their own sub-cultures and dialects, which were generally practiced as an expected form of nationalism.

While the common language was essentially Japanese, the various dialects ranged from the various Japonic language variations found in our own world, to more exotic variations best described as an eclectic blending of Japanese with other Asiatic cultures. Part of this was due to the tendency of the various shinobi clans to create a private clan language taught to all members of the clan, in order to protect clan secrets.

This practice was first used by the nobility; where each daimyo had their own private family language, which was kept secret, taught only to select members of his or her family and their most trusted advisors in order to protect state secrets. From there it spread to other noble families, utilising it as a way to preserve and pass on family secrets; and eventually also to the Noble Clans – a number of which went on to become shinobi.

Knowing both a private as well as a public language came to be seen as a mark of good breeding, so more and more of the upper echelons of society adopted the practice. The more vain or less secretive nobles took to peppering their speech with occasional words or phrases from their personal languages in order to appear more impressive or cultured.

Over time, this led to a specific Noble Dialect developing for common use at each court, separate to the various private languages – though the greater contributors to the court dialect developed were generally very similar to the final result.

The practice of establishing family languages even spread throughout the more educated common populace, and was eventually adopted by all shinobi clans in some form or another.

The specific dialects of each country tend to be influenced by the various languages created and used by their inhabitants, and their distinctiveness varied with both the population size and the creativity of their ancestors.

By the end of the Warring States Period, each country had both a unique Court Language and a generally accepted local dialect for the common people.

Everyone who wanted to be considered even slightly educated was expected to know at least two languages – the universal, or Elemental tongue of Japanese; and their local common dialect.

Nobles and those who wished to interact with them at court learned a third – their country's specific Court Dialect.

Merchants and travelers could utilise Elemental Standard regardless of local dialects; however if you intended to do business primarily in a specific area, it was good business sense to learn their local dialects. Private family or clan languages were kept carefully guarded secrets by those who still used them – typically only by the most influential nobles, samurai, or shinobi lineages.

When shinobi began to create the Hidden Villages, it resulted in a third language being developed for each country – each had their own Village Standard Shinobi tongue.

These languages were different from other dialects in that, while there was a standard dialect spoken in the village and taught in the academy, it had little to do with the actual language used for anything of importance. The Village Dialect was a blend of Elemental Standard, Local Common, Local Noble, and a standardised list of local shinobi slang.

The official shinobi version of the Village Dialect was different, in that it incorporated elements of sign language, non-verbal communication, and code. As a result, it was a shifting, mutating thing that changed organically. Adopting bits and pieces of various popular codes and sign languages, it served as a form of more specialised and secretive slang, some of which eventually transferred into the local populace.

The bulk of the common village slang came from the lowest levels of the Village Shinobi Dialect making their way into the general population. The higher the rank, the more specialized and heavily coded the variations became – so that the language for the most secretive aspects of the Village might only be known to a small handful of people.

The fact that the frequency with which the various codes and sign languages utilized were changed increased according to the level of importance, ensured that even shinobi who had been aware of the last S-rank secret would not necessarily know the codes required for learning of the next one unless their kage chose to enlighten them. There were also different codes used for different specializations; so that despite sharing a common base, the specific variations for each of the Village functions were all-but incomprehensible to anyone who wasn't trained to know them.

As a result, extensive language skills were an important aspect of shinobi life – to the point where it was impossible to advance without some skill with learning them. They were necessary both for in-village career advancement, and for undercover work elsewhere.

Of course, it helped that all inter-village and inter-country dialects were related. The variations found in a specific village were not truly separate languages, only the same language translated into dozens and eventually hundreds of different codes.

Kushina explained this to me in a much more drawn out, yet simplified manner, to make sure I understood all of it. It actually provided some much-needed context for the various dialects I had been raised with – in that, at least, my prodigious advancement had less to do with reincarnation and more to do with Tobirama's amazing genetics. I had been reborn with his eidetic memory, extraordinary mental processing speed, and almost preternatural comprehension – something which would one day save my life many times over.

However, for now, it simply aided me in learning and differentiating between the Elemental Standard, Common Hi no Kuni, Noble Hi no Kuni, Konoha Standard, and Senju Clan dialects.

The Uzumaki language was a very different animal; unique in the Elemental Countries by being utterly unlike any other language spoken on the continent, and as such impossible to learn without assistance. I had only learned it as well and as quickly as I had due to my possession of the Uzumaki Kekkei Genkai.

The ability to create and maintain an entirely new language family without difficulty was a distinctly Uzumaki trait. A large part of the their fearsome reputation was due to their unique facility with languages.

This was due to the secondary manifestation of the Uzumaki Kekkei Genkai, known as _Gogakuryoku_ ; meaning " _Language Skills_ " – the characters used to write it are literally translated as, " _Word Learning Power_ ".

(Written with the kanji " _Go_ – 語" for " _word_ ", but also " _speech_ , _language_ ";

the kanji " _Gaku_ – 学" for " _learning_ ", also " _study, erudition, knowledge, education, scholarship (as in "the state of being a scholar"), science (as in "the study of _ – literally '-ology' or '-ics', indicating a discipline");_

and the kanji " _Chikara_ – 力" for " _power_ ", also " _force, strength, might, proficiency, ability, capability, effectiveness, emphasis, stress, energy, vigour, assistance, means, support, courage, faculty, endeavours, efficacy, agency, authority, exertions, attainment, capacity, nerve, help, aid, effort, effect, influence, resources, good offices_ ".)

It wasn't as simple as being gifted with fuinjutsu – the Uzumaki who had the _Gogakuryoku_ had an intrinsic ability to learn, understand, and utilize any language they saw or heard almost instinctively.

The potential for espionage was devastating; offset only by the fact that all Uzumaki who possessed _Gogakuryoku_ also possessed uncontrollable and distinctive verbal tics, and were rarely capable of teaching any part of their language skills to non-Uzumaki. As a result, the primary use of _Gogakuryoku_ that concerned their enemies was their innate sealing ability.

This was terrifying enough, but given its relatively small size and limited number of shinobi active during wartime, not even the fact that a few Uzumaki possessed an additional Kekkei Genkai consisting of powerful and terrifying chakra chains was sufficient to warrant the intra-village collaborative decimation of both their village and the clan itself. Particularly since the Uzumaki went out of their way to keep anyone from recognising just how dangerous they actually were.

During the Warring States Era, they were unusual in essentially having a hidden village already; it was simply not regarded as such due to the fact that it was composed entirely of Uzumaki and their various extended kin. No one really noticed the sheer amount of land claimed by a single clan, or the size of said clan, due to the fact that it was out of the way; and they did not advertise it, or their numbers.

Their general openness, and often friendly, outgoing, and honest personalities also kept anyone from questioning why a single clan possessed so many different and seemingly unrelated Kekkei Genkai.

They never engaged in warfare themselves, and only supplied a limited number of shinobi to backup Konoha during the wars; preferring to provide the bulk of their support with any and all necessary supplies, and updating and maintaining the vast fuinjutsu network protecting their sister village against the threat of invasion.

They were very careful to ensure that their verbal tics were public knowledge so that when the extent of their _Gogakuryoku_ got out, the threat offered by it was seen as minimal. The fact that quarter-Uzumaki children could inherit their _Gogakuryoku_ without the verbal tic that minimized the threat potential of full and half-blooded Uzumaki was a very well-kept secret.

Senju Mito, despite giving her loyalty to her husband's clan and village, still worked to protect Uzumaki secrets. She was aided in this by her brother-in-law, Tobirama, who played a part in Mito's choice to marry his brother.

Most marriages between Uzumaki and non-Uzumaki involved the non-Uzumaki partner relocating to Uzushio – even the few smaller clans they married into preferred to move onto Uzumaki land, where they had relative peace and safety from the violence of the mainland. This resulted in further intermarriages between their clans, and their descendants were considered "kin-clans" – particularly when they developed their own unique offshoots of the Uzumaki Kekkei Genkai.

The exception to this was the Senju clan.

Many centuries ago, the Senju were merely one of their trading partners, given preference because they shared a distant ancestor. This eventually resulted in a scandalous affair between a Senju shinobi and the very pretty daughter of an Uzumaki merchant.

The Senju were unwilling to relocate, since they felt it would be akin to conceding defeat to the Uchiha, and they felt that a single man's infatuation was not worth that. Neither would they allow him to leave their clan, as they needed their shinobi too much to casually release one. Not to mention that the Uzumaki girl was pregnant, and the Senju wanted the baby.

Ultimately, they created a treaty that allowed Uzumaki women to marry into the Senju clan (and Senju women to potentially marry out into the Uzumaki), with the caveat that each generation would have a chance to meet and decide if any of them were interested in any of the prospective partners available. The clans would intermarry no more than once a generation, and no less than once every third generation, to renew their alliance and keep their blood ties strong.

The Uzumaki were unwilling to take part in the Senju clan's conflicts; however they provided valuable fuinjutsu and other supplies that the Senju needed at a reduced rate, and agreed not to trade with Uchiha or other enemies of the Senju.

Unbeknownst to the Senju, while the Uzumaki did want to ensure that they would avoid conflict with a clan who shared blood with them, they also had an ulterior motive. They had long since created a seal to make a blood oath physically and mentally binding, and used it to ensure that no one who knew their secrets could spill them.

Maintaining their ties to the Senju in this way allowed them to ensure that there was always an Uzumaki around to seal the blood oath with any Uzumaki descendants who inherited part of their Kekkei Genkai. 

Mito was married into the Senju clan when the grandsons of the last Uzumaki who married into them proved to have inherited part of the Kekkei Genkai from their obaa-san. Senju Hashirama and Tobirama were extraordinarily gifted; only the Uzumaki recognized the signs of the origin of their powers. 

An Uzumaki would have had to marry in anyway, as per the treaty; but since the last half-Uzumaki had married the Senju clan head, the two gifted boys were the clan head's sons and heirs. The only way to ensure access to them was to offer a bride of sufficient status to associate with the clan head's family. Mito was a main-line Uzumaki, and fortunate enough to enjoy the attention of Hashirama, the eldest.

Though an Uzumaki marrying the future Senju clan head wasn't quite ideal, Hashirama was smitten, and Mito was reluctantly charmed, so the match was approved.

Mito identified Hashirama as something of an idiot savant – he was extraordinarily gifted with the parts of the Kekkei Genkei he'd inherited, but had no idea how they really worked or why. They worked, he had figured out how to use them, and he had no real interest or desire in understanding anything further about them.

His natural talent had allowed him to become skilled enough with the talents he possessed that there was little Mito could do to help him improve; as his diluted Uzumaki blood and lack of understanding meant that there was only so far he would be capable of developing those skills without instruction, and she determined that granting that instruction to him would be unwise. Even in the unlikely event that the necessary oath was acquired and revelations made without incident; and even if Hashirama demonstrated an uncharacteristic degree of perception about the Uzumaki's desire for secrecy, he was certain to react to hearing about the full potential of his abilities with excited determination to master them to their fullest extent.

Such an event would be disastrous, with far-reaching and catastrophic results.

As he did not like to listen to reason when it was intended to dissuade him from a course of action he had previously decided on; he would cheerfully ignore any and all warnings she gave him and proceed to do so enthusiastically, heedless of the consequences. Should he avoid revealing the Uzumaki connection, it would not change his lack of discretion; ensuring that neither his efforts, intentions, or their results would be hidden. There were simply too many ways for things to go badly wrong.

No matter how greatly Mito cared for her fiancée, she was not blind to his faults. He was indiscreet enough that his gifts were public knowledge. No Uzumaki had ever revealed similar abilities to anyone not bound by a blood oath; so he was merely regarded as an anomaly, and his Kekkei Genkai widely assumed to be a new Senju bloodline.

He was idealistic, short-sighted, and thoughtless enough that he could not be trusted with Uzumaki secrets. Even with the blood oath, his personality was such that it would soon become apparent that he was concealing something and unable to reveal it. His position as the Senju heir and general behaviour provided further risk, as too many people would notice the discrepancy.

She also recognised that he would regard being tricked into secrecy as an unforgivable personal betrayal. He was too naïve to ever understand the necessity behind it. For all his charisma and ability to form strong connections with people on a large scale; he was often thoughtless and lacked an ability to recognise, understand, or consider the feelings of others on a personal, individual basis. His skewed views on human nature often made him a poor judge of long-term consequences; requiring his brother's efforts to mediate the damage of his decisions, and find working methods of gaining the results Hashirama intended while minimizing if not eliminating negative fallout.

Therefore he was never enlightened about the origin of his abilities. Mito insisted on going through with the engagement anyway, however; in part due to the fact that Tobirama was also gifted, could benefit from training, and was intelligent enough to potentially divine the source of his and his brother's gifts on his own.

She later approached her brother-in-law regarding the Kekkei Genkai he'd inherited from his Uzumaki grandmother and offered him training. Despite his initial disgruntlement with being tricked into a blood oath he didn't realise ahead of time was actually binding, he recognised the danger of outsiders learning the truth of the Uzumaki.

He became Mito's staunch ally in protecting the Uzumaki clan secrets she shared with him, right up until the end of his life. He considered himself just as much an Uzumaki as a Senju; to the point where he chose an Uzumaki bride himself later in his life.

He had staunchly resisted all attempts by the Senju Elders throughout his youth to force him to marry and produce an heir – so when the 36 year old announced his engagement to an Uzumaki girl over a decade younger, both villages were shocked and somewhat scandalized.

The 13 year age difference between the couple was actually what their respective villages considered the least objectionable part; Ayame was in her twenties, so the age difference wasn't as drastic as it might have been, and she was fairly old to be unmarried by the standards of the time. The only reason the age difference still unsettled people was simply that ninja life expectancies meant that 36 was fairly old for a shinobi, while 23 was considered the prime of life.

The more controversial aspects of their relationship were firstly that he was the brother of a kage; holding many vital positions in Konoha, while she was a kunoichi from another village – Uzushio was also concerned by the prospect of losing a talented fuinjutsu master. Secondly that neither of the pair had ever previously showed interest in romance or marriage at all. And thirdly that they were actually second cousins once removed, which was a bit too close to marry.

Ayame's position was unusual both in that the Uzumaki requirements to be named a fuinjutsu master were far more extensive than those held by the rest of the world, making it uncommon for Uzumakis to complete the extensive field of study and innovation required to attain full mastery in Uzushio; and in that she had achieved master rank at the unprecedented age of 19. She was therefore considered a prodigy in her field, even among Uzumaki, and therefore too valuable to give up.

They defended their choice, first by producing a contract they had drawn up together to outline the terms of their marriage in ways that should satisfy the political sensibilities of both villages.

After turning over copies of the contract for approval; they explained their relationship by saying that they had met when Ayame came to Konoha a few years before to perform maintenance on the seal barrier, and struck up a friendship over shared interests without knowing how closely related they were. It continued over correspondence and occasional visits afterwards. They found that they enjoyed each other's company so much and had so much in common that they eventually began discussing marriage.

It was only after reaching an agreement on how a marriage between them would work that they discovered their exact degree of relation, however since neither had ever considered a relationship with anyone else, they decided that their relationship was worth any possible controversy. While publicly they portrayed a great romance of star-crossed lovers and true love conquering the odds, it was simply a front to gain popular support.

The reality was that while they had become close friends who cared for one another and enjoyed each other's company, they were both asexual and aromantic; both were under heavy pressure to produce heirs, and felt that a marriage of convenience between them was the best solution to resolving the situation in a way that would not negatively impact either of their happiness. The contract was designed to safeguard their villages' respective priorities, secrecies, other expectations; while preventing any conflicts of interest.

Uzushio would be compensated for the loss of a seal master, though the compensation was reduced according to the frequency of her returning to discharge Uzu responsibilities, and Konoha would be allowed certain benefits from her presence in return. It covered what Ayame would have access to and what she would not, and laid out guidelines to ensure village security was maintained, along with her duties while in Konoha; with the provision that any additional contracts would be paid out to Uzu.

There was a schedule included for Ayame to visit Uzushio and discharge her duties there, with exceptions laid out for during pregnancy and arranging for childcare. They had agreed to two children, one to continue each of their legacies.

After a few minor adjustments, their villages came to an agreement, and the two were married within the year. They arranged to fall pregnant quickly, and welcomed the birth of their daughter, Senju-Uzumaki Akari nine months later.

While Tobirama's sudden appointment to Nidaime required some adjusting; they managed well, choosing to have their next child more quickly than they would have otherwise. They had not yet announced their second pregnancy when Tobirama was killed in action.

Ayame gave birth to a son, Senju Kajima, and raised her children with help from her late husband's family and students. Kajima had surprisingly not inherited the Uzumaki Kekkei Genkai – while he was fairly talented with fuinjutsu, it was not an Uzumaki-level of talent.

Because of this, Kajima was raised with focus on the Senju side of his heritage.

As Akari was her mother's apprentice, travelling with her to Uzu, he became an orphan and an only child when Uzushio fell. He spent most of his childhood being raised by his cousins and taught by Danzo, who took him in after his adult cousins were killed during the Second Shinobi War. He grew up with Hiruzen's genin team as some of his peers, though they were a few years older.

Undoubtedly, this played a large role in the man he eventually became.

Uzushio had always sought and successfully maintained a balance between " _too powerful to challenge casually_ " and " _too weak to need defeating_ ".

What prompted the other villages to attempt to wipe the clan out was the revelation of the truth of their Kekkei Genkai – the _Meimyaku_ , or " _Thread of Life_ ".

The literal translation was " _Life Vein_ ", written with kanji " _Inochi_ – 命" for " _life_ "; but also, " _fate, command, decree, destiny, appoint_ ", referencing the essential foundation of existence; and with " _Myaku_ – 脈" for " _vein_ "; also " _pulse, hope, chain (as in 'of mountains', etc.), thread (as in 'of determination', etc.)"._

This was both significant and intentional – the Uzumaki had been very careful not to allow either the true name or extent of their Kekkei Genkai to become common knowledge for a reason. They had always downplayed their abilities and hidden the full truth to outsiders; even their allies.

Their Kekkei Genkai consisted of being linked to the Chakra of the world around them – they were very much in tune with the fabric of existence of the world around them, and while they were not always able to channel Nature Chakra consciously, they lived in unconscious harmony with all life they encountered. They simply knew and understood the needs, desires, and intentions of all living things they encountered, on an instinctive level.

Even without being able to use Nature Chakra itself, they would unconsciously circulate it through their bodies in a manner which greatly enhanced their vitality. This resulted in massive chakra pools, unusual health, vitality, and longevity, and allowed them to utilize the miraculous "Uzumaki Healing Chakra". It gave them extraordinary chakra-sensing skills, and enabled them to exercise an otherwise impossible level of control over their chakra; allowing them to suppress it entirely, as well as manifesting solid chakra constructs in the form of chains, and wielding them with ease.

Their subconscious connection to and harmonization with life around them allowed them a nearly miraculous skill with plants and animals, giving them the ability to communicate concepts even to and from the most simple life forms, understanding them and being understood in turn. It also granted them a keen insight into languages; possessing the ability to absorb all forms of communication through a sort of osmosis. This extended to written communication; their fuinjutsu talent was essentially understanding how to ask chakra itself to do what they wanted.

Their ability to read the various life forms around them was such that it resulted in an almost supernatural awareness of the thoughts and intentions of the people they encountered, and the ability to wield their affinities as though they were part of the elements themselves. So intimate and complete was their connection to the very fabric of existence, that the most advanced users of their Kekkei Genkai were even attuned with the supernatural; to the point of interacting with various kami or youkai directly – going so far as to pass through the veil itself to visit with them in their own realms.

They possessed a deep spiritual awareness, and could easily banish evil or malicious spirits causing problems to the planes where they belonged. An Uzumaki who reached this level would eventually arrive at a point of pure unity with _Meimyaku_ ; the utmost pinnacle of utilizing their Kekkei Genkai resulted in the individual becoming one with the thread of life itself, weaving themselves in and out of the very fabric of existence at will.

Achieving the complete _Meimyaku_ gave one the ability to move between the Pure Land and the mortal plane at will; going to and from the afterlife as they wished, essentially immortal and able to affect reality in any possible way on a whim. Living as part of _Meimyaku_ resulted in ascending to a state of pure energy; they had no need for food or drink, the state of their mere existence as part of the universe enough to sustain them.

They were unbothered by the necessities of sleep or other bodily functions; unaging and undying, with no fear of illness or injury, being entirely unaffected by mortal concerns. Nothing was harmful to them – to the point of being able to walk through the burning lava in the heart of a volcano, stroll across the ocean floor, or drift through the vastness of space without consequences.

The full extent of the _Meimyaku_ granted those who mastered it an unimaginable degree of power, quite capable of conquering the world should they desire – they could easily become living gods. This was offset by the sense of unity they felt with all life as a result of their gifts; causing them to desire nothing more than to exist in peace and harmony with the world around them.

Furthermore, most Uzumaki never attempted to advance their skill with the _Meimyaku_ very far – the closer they came to being one with the world around them, the less they cared to be part of it.

Or perhaps it would be better to say that the more advanced they were, the less they were inclined to engage in mortal affairs – so intent on _becoming_ _part_ of the world, that they lost all desire to _be_ _in_ it.

It wasn't that they no longer cared for life; in fact, they cared so much for it that eating or even drinking – and thus consuming – anything at all became more and more difficult for them. The concept of consuming any form of life became more and more distressing for them as they became more aware of and in tune with the life all around them. Eating was the first mortal practice to be eliminated, even without conscious intention – once they had reached a certain level of advancement, there was no going back. Drinking followed, as their awareness expanded to include microorganisms. Eventually even breathing was eliminated.

For this reason, the only Uzumaki who chose to fully advance their _Meimyaku_ were those who joined the temple. They were very calm and serene, preferring to focus on the spiritual or natural aspects of the world; largely uninterested in humanity. People were too violent and prone to conflict for them.

They didn't even really train each other – while they had no aversion to interacting with others on the same path, ascension was a very personal, individual thing.

Since there was only so long that the monks and priestesses could practice before drifting away from the desire to interact with those outside the temple or perform spiritual duties related to doing so, they created fuinjutsu tools to allow those who were not interested or ready for advancement to mimic some of their more supernatural abilities.

Ultimately, this led to the creation of the Uzumaki Mask Temple. Uzumakis tended to become more serious and controlled once they had reached a certain level of advancement; the first indication of beginning ascension.

Since they were usually very enthusiastic and energetic; overflowing with vitality and excitement for the sheer joy of life, the changes were obvious enough for them to stop before going too far. Uzumakis threw their whole selves into everything they did, and embraced every single aspect of life wholeheartedly.

They believed that every experience must be felt to the fullest extent, or else they were not really living. They felt every emotion keenly, loving fiercely and freely, and while they had hot tempers their anger was rarely channelled to anything beyond revenge pranking.

To sacrifice all that by ascending was therefore not commonly regarded as a worthwhile exchange.

So most chose one or two aspects of the Kekkei Genkai which they had the most talent in to focus on and expand; leaving everything else at a more basic level, careful not to reach beyond normal, non-Uzumaki limits. They generally avoided too much advancement in the more complex aspects of the _Meimyaku_. If they had a talent for ninjutsu, their affinities were unusually powerful – granting them levels of control over their element or elements so strong, it led to unprecedented abilities.

This was clearly evident in the skills exhibited by the Senju brothers who became Konoha's first two Hokage. It was difficult to conceal the dangerous potential of these skills, however – particularly after the founding of the Hidden Villages.

Therefore, Uzumaki generally avoided focusing on ninjutsu; only learning a handful of established techniques for their affinities, while focusing primarily on other skills. Taijutsu and fuinjutsu were favoured simply because they were not skills which advancing might see one accidently finding themselves beginning the ascension of Meimyaku.

Ultimately, the reason for Uzushio's destruction can summed up in one word – Zetsu.

While Kushina was not aware of it, it became obvious to me in hindsight once I regained my memories.

As removed from worldly concerns or cares as they were, the ascended Uzumakis would definitely _notice_ someone trying to take back all the chakra from the world. Being _part of_ the chakra Kaguya wanted to consume, they'd notice what she was doing and make it stop. Therefore Zetsu needed all the ascended Uzumakis banished from the mortal plain, and all the Uzumaki's who might be able to achieve ascension killed off and their records destroyed.

* * *

As Kushina finished telling me of my family history and introducing the concept of the _Meimyaku_ , she finished with a brief explanation for how Uzushio had been destroyed despite her ascended guardians.

"It was a very carefully planned and coordinated attack between all four of the other major shinobi villages," she said, her voice shaking slightly. "Kumo launched an assault on Konoha to cover their ninja breaking into the Uzumaki Mask Temple and stealing the masks there for banishing unwanted spirits. Once they had them they retreated, and Konoha was prevented from following them very far when Iwa started moving in."

She drew in an unsteady breath, staring into the far distance as she continued the story.

"Kumo met up with Kiri and headed for Uzushio, while Suna covered the area messengers would have to pass through for Konoha and Uzushio to get in contact. Kumo and Kiri banished Uzushio's guardians to the Pure World permanently, then launched an attack on the islands themselves.

"Iwa retreated from Konoha and came back out to back them up. But the Uzumakis' didn't make it easy for them, 'ttebane!" She said, a hint of pride burning in her eyes as she pointed that out. "It took all four major villages working hard together to destroy Uzu – and if Suna hadn't made sure none of the messages to Konoha made it through, they would have been defeated by just a little extra pressure, dattebane!"

She swallowed hard, blinking back tears as she cleared her throat.

" _That's_ what it means to be an Uzumaki, Saya-chan."

That moment was one which stood out in my memory as the first time I was ever truly conscious of pride in my heritage. I felt humbled, and honoured to carry such a great legacy; and deeply saddened by the thought of all that had been lost.

Uzushiogakure was destroyed long before I was born, but Kushina's words had painted such a vivid picture of the city for me I felt almost as if I'd been there.

There, in the middle of bright, red-tiled roof-tops, gleaming, white stone buildings, and brightly-coloured cobbled streets – all surrounded by lush, green vegetation and sparkling blue water. The entire village shining and glinting in the sunlight like a massive chest of jewels spilling out onto the white sand.

Right there, where the salty sea-air carried hints of a patchwork of other aromas along the shore; seafood grilling and frying at various food stalls, along with other meats and vegetables, hearty ramen simmering in rich broth, fresh baking bread, and a variety of sweeter treats as well.

Where children ran through the streets, filling the air with the sound of carefree laughter; their fingers sticky from dango sauce and lips stained dark with berry juice. Faces beaming with wide smiles, voices calling out with joking, teasing, and laughter; the sound of music drifting through the village as people danced and sang and celebrated the joy of living.

Uzushio wasn't just a place anymore; and Uzumaki was so much more than just a name. Kushina's visible grief as she explained Uzu's downfall struck me, and I found myself crying along with her.

It was the first time I had an idea of the terrible price of war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, I have some very specific plans for this 'verse. 
> 
> One of those things is a potential use of the Uzumaki Kekkei Genkei as a solution to CT's endless reincarnation - though that's a possibility for the far future. 
> 
> Another is that Kushina wouldn't necessarily know all of the details shared here - Saya's insight into Tobirama's life will come later. I simply felt it was more cohesive to give the full story here, since none of it will be spoiling the plot, and some of it helps lay the foundation for later parts of the story. 
> 
> If you disagree with my writing it out rather than incorporating it into dialogue, let me know, make a good argument, and I'll reconsider.
> 
> Additional Casting:
> 
> ****
> 
> **Toman Sasaki as Young Hatake Kakashi**


	4. Days of Joy, Time of Sorrows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saya learns and grows, expanding her circle of loved ones. 
> 
> She also gets exposed to darkness and loss for the first time in a real, personal way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is very late; in my defence, I got quite sick for a bit. 
> 
> After recovering from both a stomach bug and a resperitory infection (not Covid19, thankfully, but I was worried for a bit), I randomly developed a severe allergy to my migraine medication. I went into extreme anaphylactic shock, and had to be rushed to the ER in an ambulance. I had a very close call, and have been sort of traumatised since. 
> 
> I am doing better now, physically and emotionally, and will be trying to update more regularly. 
> 
> I want to thank the lovely Mistress Peverell for being my beta. Thank you so much for your time! 
> 
> I'd also like to mention that I've added cast photos for the characters at the end of each chapter now.

**Chapter Three – Days Of Joy, Time Of Sorrows**

* * *

**Disclaimer:** _I don't own Naruto._

* * *

_I've seen the darkness in the light_   
_The kind of blue that leaves you lost and blind_   
_The only thing that's black and white_   
_Is that you don't have to walk alone this time_

_We have to tear down walls that live in your heart_   
_To find someone you call home_   
_Now you see me for me and my beautiful scars_   
_So take my hand, don't let go_

_'Cause_   
_It's not too late_   
_It's not too late_   
_I, I see the hope in your heart_

_And sometimes you lose_   
_And sometimes you're shooting_   
_Broken arrows in the dark_   
_But I, I see the hope in your heart_

_Broken Arrows - Avicii_

* * *

_“Taidama!”_

My face lit up at the sweet voice coming from the entryway, and I dashed towards it, crying out, _“Rin-nee!”_

Nohara Rin laughed, opening her arms wide for me to leap into them. Backlit by the light spilling through the doorway behind her, she looked like an angel – not an unusual occurrence for her. She swept me up and held me close, while I snuggled into her arms and sniffed her hair in what was – to me – a very discreet manner. 

_Yep_ , I concluded – _she smells as perfect as always_. Her perfection would be aggravating if it wasn't so endearing. 

“ _Okaeri, Nee-chan_ ,” I murmured into her collarbone. “I missed you!” 

“I missed you too, imouto,” she replied. 

Unlike with Kakashi, who only called me imouto to annoy me and remind me that he was first; I didn't mind the term coming from Rin. She called me “little sister" out of genuine affection. And I liked Rin. 

While I had initially met her with every intention and expectation of hating her as much as I did the silver-haired Hatake, it turned out that hating Nohara Rin was simply _Not Possible_. 

She was unfairly pretty – not a striking beauty, but in a wholesome, girl-next-door kind of way. She was tiny and cute; very much a Japanese schoolgirl kawaii type. She was so earnest and kind; good-natured, sweet, caring, and thoughtful – it was impossible not to get along with her. Her chakra was soothing and pleasant, like relaxing in the shade alongside a babbling brook. 

Somehow, she balanced being shy, gentle, and delicate with her friendliness, determined courage, and inner strength. She would ramble nervously in a way that was charming, and blushed often. While she was a Yamato Nadeshiko in many ways, she was also a shinobi; even if as a med-nin her combat skills were lesser than her iryou-ninjutsu. 

Every so often, I had the strangest urge to call her “ _Maa-ri-Sui_ ", which made no sense. Usually, after she did something strangely charming or endearing, or showcased a kind of unreal perfection; but I was mystified as to the source. All I knew was that it made me giggle, and I couldn't help but love her the same way everyone else did. 

“We'll be spending the day together again, imouto; won’t that be fun?” 

“Un!” I nodded firmly. I felt a tiny flare of disappointment that Minato and Kushina would both be gone all day, but I squashed it firmly. They were both important and busy, and at least my babysitter was Rin instead of Kakashi. 

The silver-haired boy and I did not get along; though I would later learn that he was utterly clueless regarding normal social interaction, and therefore felt that he was fulfilling his sensei’s wishes for us to bond quite admirably. 

This largely consisted of him training me into the ground – I was able to keep up with his ridiculous expectations and unhelpful instructions much better than an average three year old. I had my limits, however, and he was a poor judge of how much was too much. He often found my attempts to advance my skills amusing, which only served to convince me that he was an evil sadist. Sparring with him was a nightmare, since he treated me more like a fellow – albeit much weaker – shinobi than a toddler. 

My stubbornness and pride made me unwilling to admit to any weakness in front of him; especially since doing so tended to confuse and frustrate him, and he was much too blunt and oblivious to the feelings of others to be kind about it. So he persisted in attempting to bond with me the only way he knew how, and I continued to hate him a bit more with each interaction. 

It did not help that his attempt to introduce me to his summons had gone off like a faulty seal – dogs frightened me, and I apparently smelled of cat. 

Considering all of that, it was little wonder I preferred Rin. 

While she would often train with me as well; her training consisted of spars much more suited to my level, reading and discussing various scrolls she thought would interest me, learning about medical techniques, and other aspects of her medical studies, as well as working on my chakra control and sensing. 

She was so careful to make sure that the lessons were fun for me, easily understandable, and avoided pushing me past my limits. As a result, I had a great deal of fun with her while still learning a lot. 

“What are we doing today, Rin-nee?” I asked, giving her a look filled with eager anticipation. 

“Maa, what would be the fun if I told you now? You'll just have to wait and be surprised!” Smiling, she bopped my nose with her own, giggling when I went cross-eyed. 

I pouted. 

“So mean!” 

Rin laughed again, louder this time. Against my will, my lips twitched up into a smile. She pounced on the hint of playfulness she sensed and promptly began tickling me. I shrieked with laughter, trying to escape; but as I was in her arms she held me trapped. 

“Aiii!” I shouted, squirming. “Let me down!” 

She stopped her tickling and grinned at me. 

“Still think I'm mean?” she mock-growled. 

“The meanest!” 

My words were considerably less effective than they might have been, given the way I tightened my arms around her neck and buried my face into her shoulder. 

Rin just laughed at me, and made her way into the house. I hid my smile, secretly thrilled to have more time with my new big sister. 

* * *

My days with Kushina and Minato were both happy and busy; though I didn't understand at the time just how difficult the situation must have been for them. 

After all, despite the legal rights Kaa-san had given Kushina over me, I was still the Senju heir. Kushina could only take custody of me because she, as the Uzumaki Clan Head, had also named me as the Uzumaki heir until she gave birth to her own children. This was in addition to the fact that Minato was all but confirmed as the next Hokage, which gave them a lot of political power. 

Therefore Kajima knew that bringing the dispute before the council would not necessarily go in his favour. The only other thing that kept my guardianship dispute from becoming public knowledge was Kajima's unwillingness to inform outsiders of my ambiguous gender. 

He had plans in place to correct what he viewed as my deficiency; and subsequently worried for the consequences if my “condition" was widely known before he could implement them. While Kushina's interference had complicated matters, he preferred to regard it as a setback which would eventually be overcome when “Tobirama" regained “his" memories and “came back to his senses". 

My status as an heir to two clans made me “Senju-Uzumaki Sayanoma”; even if I was later replaced as the Uzumaki Clan Heir, he knew that there would likely always be a split in my loyalties. While he had generally regarded the Uzumaki as an extension of the Senju Clan in the past; the last months had served as a distasteful reminder to him that he did not actually have authority over them, and that Kushina was a Clan Head in her own right. 

While Kushina had conceded to bringing me to visit, enlisting various Senju to continue assisting in my training, and allowing me to continue having lessons in Senju Clan matters with Kajima – supervised by other Senju Clan members – he was already preparing to replace me as his heir. It would be some time before he would actually do so, as he wished to refine the process he had used with me to eliminate the problems he'd experienced. 

However it was during that time that he decided to reincarnate Hashirama as well; something which would alter the course of my future significantly, even if I would not realise this for a few more years. 

They only had as much time for me as they did because the war with Iwa was drawing to a close, largely due to Minato's actions. The situation between Konoha, Kumo, and Kiri was still tense, however; though Kiri seemed to have responded to the ceasefire between Iwa and Konoha by halting their own occasional attacks. Kumo withdrew behind their lines and the front there remained a hotbed of tension; both sides waiting for the other to make the next move. 

Minato was rarely home; due to his involvement in the peace process and shadowing the Hokage to learn his future responsibilities. He alternated between being sent out whenever skirmishes broke out to frighten the enemy into standing down and laying low, learning everything he would need to know about his shinobi and the inner workings of the village, and assisting the Sandaime with his duties. This included meeting with ambassadors, diplomats, and other political representatives negotiating the terms of a treaty. 

He somehow always managed to make time for me when he was in the village, even if it was just a few brief moments a day. Kushina facilitated this by ensuring that the two of us brought him a bento each day for lunch, as well as bringing him an extra bento each evening if he was running late for supper. When she was unable to take me, she arranged for me to be accompanied by a suitably menacing substitute/bodyguard. 

This was made much easier by the fact that Minato was required to appoint the members of his own Hokage Guard Platoon. Since the Sandaime's Guard Platoon would be continuing as his personal and family guards after his retirement, the soon-to-be Yondaime needed his own hand-picked team of ANBU to be bodyguards for himself and his family. The ANBU trainees he had requested be trained for the positions were put to work keeping an eye on me during their training. 

My tiny figure soon became a familiar sight to the villagers; marching along to the Hokage Tower between two masked ANBU with a third at my back, bento clutched tight in my arms.

There were a few days of a hurt Kakashi avoiding his sensei when Minato didn't choose him to be a part of the bodyguard team – especially given how young the shinobi he did choose happened to be – but Minato took him aside and explained that his Guard Platoon had to be ANBU, and Kakashi was considered too high-profile to have received an invitation from the secretive organisation. ANBU were generally issued invitations when they were Chunin – Kakashi had been passed over because he was too skilled; too visible to be part of an organization whose members were supposed to be anonymous. 

He also told Kakashi that he couldn't have someone he saw as a son as a member of his personal guard. It wasn't that he doubted Kakashi – the problem was himself. As Hokage, he had to put the good of Konoha first. Part of that meant understanding his importance to the village, and being prepared to allow his bodyguards to sacrifice themselves for him if needed. But he cared for Kakashi as though he were his own child, and if he had a choice between his life and Kakashi’s, he would always choose Kakashi. 

While normally I would jump on any hint of weakness Kakashi showed, I wasn't actually cruel. And I was not so oblivious as to say anything about his red-rimmed eyes when the two of them came back to the house. 

Kushina was generally a lot more present than her lover, but still tended to get called out on a brief rotation with Konoha's other greatest names to make an appearance near the Kumo front. It was a silent threat that Konoha had a lot of heavy hitters that they could and would use against them if they attempted to take advantage of the current truce with Iwa. A subtle reminder that this peace was not merely a distraction – Konoha would not be letting down its guard, and could now throw its full might at the Land of Lightning if they broke the ceasefire. 

Overall, I have no doubt that the situation was both complicated and stressful for my new guardians. It speaks to their character that they did not allow me to be burdened by it in any way, and that they chose to go so far and try so hard for my sake.

* * *

One consequence I did experience was the necessity of receiving sufficient Uzumaki training to justify Kushina's appointment of me as her temporary heir as quickly as possible. 

While the exact method of sealing blood oaths had been lost with Mito's death, Kushina had put together a facsimile from the scrolls she'd inherited, and used that to begin to educate me as much as possible in as short a time as she could. 

Kushina gave me many more lessons on secret Uzumaki lore after the first one, but one thing she made clear to me from the beginning was that most of what she knew of the Meimyaku was both theoretical and incomplete. She had only just been old enough to know what it consisted of before Uzushio's destruction. 

No Uzumaki was taught how to make conscious use of it until they were mature and skilled enough to make an educated choice about how far they wanted to advance in it, and keep themselves from accidentally advancing further than they intended to. 

Kushina also told me that she had no intention of changing that – doing otherwise could endanger me. 

Mito had left as much written lore behind in blood-locked scrolls as she could put together before her death; but a jinchuuriki was unlikely to access more than the fringes of the Kekkei Genkai, due to the corrosive nature of bijuu chakra. And Kushina was both a jinchuuriki and the only full-blooded Uzumaki left. 

Oh, there were a few full-blooded civilian Uzumaki survivors spread out over the continent; but none in Konoha, and none with knowledge of or access to the Meimyaku. Those part-Uzumaki in the compound had either not inherited the Kekkei Genkai, like Kajima; or were unwilling to experiment to try to rediscover the full use of it. 

This prevented Kushina from accidentally or intentionally advancing Meimyaku completely, so she trained as much as she could to go as far as she was able. 

However I would not be learning these things until I was quite a bit older.

* * *

My Uzumaki training was therefore largely theoretical; lectures and reading from Mito's scrolls interspersed with plenty of Clan history, lore, and traditions. My only practical Uzumaki Clan lessons were preparatory – practicing calligraphy, kanji, language, chakra training and sensing, and learning katas from the Uzushio and Uzumaki Clan styles of taijutsu. 

While Kushina worked to make time to be there for the most important lessons, the majority were often overseen by other Clan Members. In this way, my training plans were similar to the way they had been laid out prior to Kajima instituting his own; with the majority of my tutors being a rotating cast of Uzumaki and Senju. 

The primary differences being that I was also tutored in more of the specialized or advanced clan secrets and techniques - while my regular shinobi training was typically supplemented by Kushina and Minato's friends, teammates, and students. 

In addition to Rin and Kakashi, I was often indulged by the nascent Yondaime Hokage Guard Platoon members; Raidou, Genma, and Iwashi. While eighteen year old Namiashi Raidou and sixteen year old Shiranui Genma saw me as a little kid they had no idea how to handle, ten year old Iwashi had a little sister a few years older than me. As such, he was the best at interacting with me, and the older two eventually began following his example. 

I quickly found myself with three more nii-sans – my willingness to call them by the familiar honorific made Kakashi sulk the first time he heard it, which just encouraged me to keep using it. My new nii-sans were all very amused by my one-sided rivalry with the oblivious Hatake. 

Then, of course, there was my training with Itachi. 

While we both had separate Clan training, I visited him as often as I was allowed. Mikoto adored me, and was thrilled by how happy I made her little boy, so she gave me an open invitation to visit whenever there was someone willing to bring me. Since we spent so much time together, and shinobi training was such a central part of our lives, we spent a large part of our visits training together – taught by a combination of my watchers and his. 

The Uchiha Elders were not very happy about the situation; but there was little they could do when I was not learning any clan secrets, and my presence was not interfering with Itachi's training. If anything, Itachi was benefitting, by getting extra training from both the students and the chosen bodyguards of the Yondaime. 

Mikoto had long-since appointed herself my etiquette instructor; as the wife of the Head of a Noble Clan she was significantly more well-versed in Court Manners and the intricacies of the nobility than the more laid-back Senju and Uzumaki Clan Members I had instructing me. Itachi and I were eager pupils, and she was proud and amazed by our mastery of formality. She now expanded that to teach us about the civilian politics and details about the noble caste that only the other Noble Clans usually bothered with; and then, they usually learned it much older. 

She taught us a number of important life-skills, as well as many subtler shinobi skills. As a Genjutsu Mistress, she was thrilled by Itachi's aptitude for and interest in her preferred art. Especially since she was of the opinion that mastering genjutsu without the Sharingan was necessary for a Uchiha to be able to truly claim they could cast genjutsu flawlessly – the Sharingan would then elevate an already fearsome skill into perfection. 

Mikoto taught us both a number of useful skills that were traditionally reserved for Kunoichi, but which she felt were useful for all shinobi. While she had initially only intended to cover the basics with us, under my encouragement Itachi had shyly confessed an enjoyment of the arts that led her to decide to expand his training in them. 

As a girl, I would have other opportunities to learn Kunoichi-specific skills; if not to the same standards as Mikoto was capable of teaching. But Itachi was unlikely to find encouragement for his love of art, music, dancing, and historical plays and epics from anyone else.

* * *

Mikoto expanded lessons on sewing into lessons on embroidery and altering garments. 

“Originally I was hoping you would learn to sew well enough to repair anything torn mid-mission, or manage crude field stitches in an emergency; but these will teach you attention to detail, aid your finger dexterity, allow you to create a costume for going undercover unexpectedly, and allow you to stitch seals into your clothing. Can you think of any other uses for these skills?” 

I raised my hand, eager to impress my Tenshi-hime. On gaining a nod, I answered. 

“It gives us the option to go undercover as a seamstress or tailor; since we'll have the skills to actually do the job we won't stand out or raise suspicions.” 

She gave me a soft smile. “Correct. Itachi? Can you think of anything?” 

Itachi tilted his head to the side, considering, then spoke firmly. “Genjutsu.” 

Mikoto raised a brow. “Oh? In what way?” 

I gave him a curious look as well, not seeing the connection. He bit his lip, and fiddled with his sleeve. 

“You told me that the best genjutsu have many layers, all threaded together into a seamless whole. That I would only master genjutsu when I could cast an entire tapestry of illusions simultaneously and unnoticeably. So learning embroidery should help me learn how to create vivid pictures from hundreds or thousands of tiny threads, and the more quickly I learn to embroider, the more quickly my mind will become used to putting those threads together. It's not exactly the same, but it will probably help.” 

My eyes widened. “’Tachi, you're brilliant!” 

He blushed. 

Mikoto nodded. “Yes; I wasn't sure if you would pick up on that or not; but I'm very proud that you did. Well done, musume.” 

Itachi smiled shyly, pleased to earn his mother's praise. 

Our acting lessons expanded to include makeup and fashion, as well as observing and mimicking the behaviour, language, and movements of people in a variety of different castes and social statuses; even different ages and genders. 

Flower arranging aided in noticing tiny details and intricate codes.

Again, all useful skills for undercover work. 

We also spent more time reading and familiarizing ourselves with famous plays and classic literature; while supposedly it was to allow us to be sufficiently cultured to blend in with the nobles, in reality it was an opportunity to spend time on something Itachi enjoyed. After all; we could read on our own, at any time – but reading and discussing them together allowed Mikoto to spend time with us sharing some of his interests. 

Itachi's love of history included dramatized accounts and re-imaginings of historical events, and his brilliant mind was fascinated by various philosophical works. While any fictional works we needed to familiarize ourselves with to pass as nobles was something she advised us we could do when we were older, or in our spare time, she used Itachi's favoured subjects to draw him into discussion and encourage him to share his thoughts and opinions. 

We were both encouraged to draw and paint – me, because a noble lady was expected to have some skill at it; and Itachi because it would also be useful in creating genjutsu. I didn't care for it – while I achieved an acceptable level of technical skill, I lacked the passion and natural talent to create emotionally moving pieces. 

On the other hand, Itachi loved experimenting with colours, shades, and textures, proportion and perspective. He planned to delve into sculpture and other forms of artistry as he got older, hoping to increase his skills in all forms of art. 

When Fugaku objected to his son devoting his free time to such a feminine pursuit, Itachi happily pointed out that he intended to master genjutsu without the Sharingan; so that his skills would be legendary when he combined them later on. 

The better an artist he became, the more intricate and realistic he could make his genjutsu. 

It was the same reasoning he gave to defend his practicing an instrument and helping his mother in the kitchen or garden – he wanted to be capable of ensnaring every one of his target's senses without them realising he had done so. He wanted to create such believable illusions that they would be indistinguishable from reality. 

Music was another skill that had multiple uses; and a skill that Itachi normally wouldn't have learned if he hadn't admitted to his mother that he liked it. 

In a reverse of our other artistic lessons, I was a more talented musician than he was. He studied only enough to master some of the technical aspects of singing and instruments; otherwise preferring to listen over unnecessarily practicing something which caused him to struggle. 

Yet Itachi loved music, even if learning to create his own didn't come naturally. He found listening to music very soothing and calming. He would listen with closed eyes and a small, peaceful smile on his face as his mother and I played or sang. 

I would later credit Mikoto's early singing lessons as the reason that I was still able to sing so well after puberty - my voice became a bit deeper and rougher than women's voices generally were, but the vocal exercises I practiced from a young age ensured that my alto-tenor range remained smooth as silk. 

We were shown the basics of the _biwa, shamisen, koto_ , and a couple different types of _fue_ – Japanese flutes. 

Mikoto wanted us to learn the generalities of each of them. She assured us that she would allow us to choose one instrument we intended to become proficient in once she could see we were making an acceptable effort with all of them. She simply wanted us to have enough understanding of the most common instruments to know for certain which we wanted to dedicate our efforts towards, become familiar enough with each to appear well-educated, and to learn which instruments we showed the most aptitude towards; even if it was not the same as the instrument we preferred. 

Itachi chose the Biwa, while I preferred the Koto. I began focusing on them both, however; my Meimyaku gave me a talent for music, as it was simply another form of language. 

Dancing was something she began instructing us in as well - teaching us both male or female roles indiscriminately; she pointed out that the ranges of motion and mastery of movement they would grant us would ultimately be beneficial to our taijutsu and kenjutsu skills. Not to mention that they would also provide yet _another_ skill for undercover work. 

So many of the things she taught us seemed to come back to genjutsu or undercover skills; it was hardly surprising to learn what her specialties had been. Learning that she had been a member of ANBU's most elite espionage unit prior to her marriage impressed us both a great deal. 

She taught us the basics of cooking to ensure we could prepare decent meals during missions, recognise poisoned or tainted food, and understand how to poison food untraceably ourselves. These lessons - together with gardening and flower-picking - also served as an introduction to poisons and foraging. 

Recognizing and identifying various tastes and smells perfectly would be another step towards replicating them accurately in genjutsu - and Mikoto was determined to help her son master his skills in that area as far as he wished to take them. 

Ultimately, we could only be considered to have been taught the most basic of the very beginning stages of each skillset. We were much too young and had much too limited time available to advance any farther than that. Nevertheless, it provided us both with a firm foundation to build on. 

When she was busy, Uchiha Kagami would offer the two of us the benefit of his teaching – the only other Uchiha to offer me instruction. He was the only one of the Uchiha Elders who approved of me enough to do so, and other Clan Members were reluctant to displease the other Elders. 

Mostly he would tell us stories about my grandfather, and encourage us that another Senju-Uchiha friendship could only be a good thing. 

Fukagu was initially displeased with my frequent presence in his son's life; but he was smitten with his wife and would do much to make her happy. He recognized that I made both his wife and son happy, and despite his standoffish demeanour he cared deeply for his family. It helped that Mikoto pointed out the benefits to his son that came with my presence in his life; it allowed him to placate the Elders who complained to him. 

Although he had no idea how to handle me – his personality was too abrupt and stoic for most children to feel at ease around him, even his own son. From the moment I met him, however, I could feel the love, pride, and happiness that hummed in his chakra every time he looked at his family. 

Like most Uchiha, his chakra was quite fiery. There were electric undercurrents to it, along with a slightly earthy flavour that would have reminded me of lava had I known what that was. I could feel the spark of excitement in him when he returned home; even if he was exhausted. I could feel the passion and pride he regarded two of my favourite people with not to mention the adoration he couldn't hide. Not from me, at any rate. 

While all shinobi over a certain skill level had sufficient control over their chakra to avoid broadcasting everything they felt throughout their aura for any sensor to feel, I was not any ordinary sensor. My genetics ensured that I was only limited in that matter by my understanding. 

Therefore I couldn't help liking him; his devotion to two people I cherished so deeply was enough to cement my opinion of him as A Very Good Person. My fondness for him threw him off kilter and left him uncertain of the correct response to my unexpected affection.

* * *

The day that I ventured into the Uchiha Compound to find Itachi had changed had a very real impact on our future relationship. 

The moment I laid eyes on him, I knew that something was very wrong. There was a tenseness to his posture; a rigidity in his frame that screamed of vulnerability and a need for space. I did my best to respect his boundaries, but as I watched him I became more and more aware that something had happened to him. 

His eyes were dark and haunted. He remained silent; blank-faced no matter what I said or did. He simply sat on the back pouch, staring out into the yard. Nonresponsive. 

I finally decided that my current approach wasn't working, and on instinct I decided to try something new. 

I moved towards him slowly; cautiously. Showing my hands and telegraphing my movements as I reached for him. Sliding my arms around him, I drew his unresisting body into a loose embrace. 

Gently petting his hair, I began singing softly. Sitting beside him, holding him gently; doing my best to soothe him and bring him back from whatever dark place he'd gone. 

I'm not certain how long it took, but eventually he began to blink and shift under my hands. 

"Tachi?" I kept my voice low and gentle. 

"Saya." 

His voice was hoarse, and the was something broken in his expression as he shuddered. 

"What happened, 'Tachi?" I asked. 

He looked at me, his fingers grasping onto my hands, forcing himself to meet my eyes. There was something wild and wounded in his gaze, and the sight of it made my heart feel like shattering. 

"War," he whispered. "I saw war, Saya." 

He flinched back, turning his head away. I released him quickly; knowing better than to push his boundaries right now. 

"It was bad." 

I knew as I spoke that my words were insufficient, but I had no idea what else to say. He hunched into himself, and shook his head. 

"Worse." 

"I'm sorry, Tachi," I said. I didn't know what he'd seen, but I could see how much whatever happened had hurt him. 

Seating myself across from him, I opened my arms in invitation. "I know it isn't much; but if you need me, I'm here," I told him. 

For a few moments I thought he would ignore me. 

Then he shifted into my embrace, wrapping his arms tight around my back. Burying his head in my neck, he cried silently. 

It wasn't much, in the scheme of things. 

But being allowed to grieve; just having someone who didn't try to explain or rationalise away what he'd been through to make him understand… I think it helped.

* * *

Somehow, it seemed that all of my most life-changing moments occurred within the Uchiha Compound - or at least it seemed that way during those first few years. 

Another of those moments came a few weeks later when an ANBU came rushing into the Uchiha Clan Head's house; interrupting while Itachi and I were curled up on the floor, listening to Mikoto recite. 

We stared as the ANBU apologized for the intrusion, explaining that I was urgently needed back at Yondaime-Sama's house. I felt a dreadful foreboding as I was hustled out and into the ANBU's arms. 

The feeling only grew as he raced through the village. By the time we arrived it had thickened into a sort of apprehension that choked me and made me feel sick. 

The moment I caught sight of Kushina's tearstained face, I knew something terrible had happened. 

"Saya!" 

She scooped me up and clutched me tightly to her chest - too tightly. 

"Shina-ba? What's happening?" I couldn't keep the terror from my voice. 

"I need you to be brave, Saya-chan. Can you do that for me, 'ttebane?" 

She peered at me anxiously, and I forced myself to nod back. 

"Hai, Ba-chan," I answered. 

She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath. 

"While she was on her mission, Rin-chan was kidnapped by enemy nin," she told me. 

I sucked in a sharp breath. 

"Is Rin-nee going to be okay? Where is she?" 

Kushina's face spasmed, and she swallowed hard. 

"Rin-chan- Kakashi-chan went after her, to try to save her. But.." 

There was a tremor in her voice, and she faltered. Drawing in another breath, she forced herself to continue. 

"I'm sorry, Saya. So sorry, 'ttebane." 

I shook my head, as if by denying her the chance to speak I could prevent her words from being true. Her voice was heavy with unshed tears as she broke the news. 

"Rin is gone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Cast Photos:
> 
> **Seo Soo-jin as Nohara Rin**
> 
> ****
> 
> **Ogata Ryuichi as Uchiha Fugaku**


	5. Picking Up The Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grieving for Rin, and growing closer to Kakashi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I deleted the previous update where I notified you guys about the end to my hiatus - sorry if I didn't reply to your comment; I forgot before I deleted the chapter that it would erase the comments, too.  
> You should know, however, that I _am_ very grateful to everyone who comments, however; even if I'm bad at remembering to respond promptly.  
> There's an explanation for why this update is a month late; basically - I had surgery on Dec 11th; everything had to get reorganized. Other than this weekend, I am only planning on updating each story (TBS or HAOR) + the corresponding side stories every other weekend for certain. Ideally, I'd like to post weekly updates for everything; realistically, I want to set goals I feel confident that I can meet.  
> I pasted the previously-posted update into my end notes, along with a somewhat more detailed posting schedule for the next couple of months. 
> 
> This chapter was originally supposed to go up to the Kyuubi Attack, but I got stuck on the Obito part, and then planned to split it into 2 chapters because it ran pretty long; but then I completely forgot to send it to my Beta. (The fabulous Mistress Peverell!) I kept _wondering_ why I hadn't heard back from her... then suddenly I realise that I never sent the finished chapter for her to look at.  
> *bangs head against wall*
> 
> Check out the cast pics at the bottom of the end notes! 
> 
> Check out my writing FB page as well: <https://www.facebook.com/DeiStarr/>

The days after Rin's death seemed to pass by in a haze. It was like a fog descended over me, clouding my thoughts and muddling my senses. 

Rin was gone; she wasn't coming back, and now nothing made sense anymore.

Our little found family had lost its sweetest, kindest, gentlest member, and we were all suffering for her loss. Minato and Kushina still had to work – especially Minato, as the soon-to-be Yondaime Hokage. But they spent as much time with me as they could, as we helped each other grieve. I was so upset I didn't even object to the constant presence of Kakashi in our home.

Itachi and Mikoto were my anchors when it felt like my grief would sweep me away. Not that they didn't grieve for her - since she was one of my regular caretakers they'd gotten to know her and care about her – but she wasn't important to them the way she was to our family.

Which meant they were able to focus on me, and my loss, and helping me come to terms with it in a way that Kushina and Minato could barely manage to do for themselves right now. My foster parents loved me dearly, and did their best to be there for me; but at the end of the day they were little more than kids themselves, just barely into their twenties. And the loss of Rin hit them both – orphans who had already suffered far too much loss and devastation; who had little more family than what they'd created for themselves; who had known and practically raised Rin since she was just a fresh baby genin – in a way that I couldn't comprehend.

Having already lost Obito just months before – a loss I did not share, as I had not met their team until after his death – added another layer to their grief.

They were also both incredibly worried for Kakashi, for reasons I did not understand or even notice at first.

But the result of this upheaval was that initially, we grieved separately more than we did together. Minato and Kushina both focusing on Kakashi; Mikoto and Itachi focusing on me. And my support system was stronger in a way; more removed from the situation and thus better able to devote more time to helping me work through my struggles without being handicapped over-much by their own grieving.

So while my grief was more extensive and complicated than most children my age would experience, I was also able to begin to move past it more quickly than most who were struggling with the kind of issues surrounding it that I was would typically be able to manage to do.

In a way, the worst part of it was that in addition to grieving for the loss of Rin, I also felt unbearably guilty. Part of me subconsciously felt that I should have been able to save her, and I couldn't help blaming myself for not doing so. Mikoto and Itachi both helped me come to terms with the illogic of those feelings, and helped me lay them to rest.

Subsequently, I managed to reach a healthier mental and emotional state much more quickly than the rest of the family did. This allowed me to observe the changed dynamic in our family, and recognise that things were _Very Much Not Good._

It took a few weeks for me to pull out of my grief enough to realise there was something wrong with Kakashi.

Once I _had_ however, I became concerned.

Kakashi might have been an awkward, less-than-endearing nii-san; but he was still _my_ awkward, less-than-endearing nii-san.

He was _one of mine_ , whether I initially wanted him to be or not; and I _refused_ to lose any more of _my family_.

And it didn't take a genius to see that _something_ was _very, very wrong._

So it was that despite my previous childish conviction that Kakashi was The Enemy, I found myself gravitating towards him. As much as I'd always hated training with him, I became desperate to drag him into training sessions again as often as possible. His visible reluctance to spend any time with me at all, and the lack of training sessions that left me cursing his name and swearing lifelong enmity actually frightened me.

He was quiet; lost and broken, flinching away from contact of any kind. While never a fan of unnecessary eye contact and often uncomfortable with physical contact outside of sparring, he had never been so desperately touch averse and avoidant as he was after Rin’s death. The more aware I was that there was a problem, the more attention I paid; and the more I realised just how bad things were.

Moreover, given my own recent struggles, I could recognise the source of the worst of his despair. After all, I had only just made my peace with my own crushing sense of guilt, responsibility, and self-blame over things.

Somewhere in my subconscious, part of me was quite certain that Kakashi’s current condition was _also_ somehow my fault.

Which was hardly the best position to hold while attempting to relieve his guilt; but I knew I had to try.

“Aniki?”

Kakashi startled, and shot me a glance before flinching and looking away.

After all, I had always been so reluctant to call him “Nii-san"; and I had certainly never offered him the much more respectful “Aniki" before. His surprise was therefore not at all unexpected; for all that seeing him just then filled me with guilt.

Hair greasy and unkempt – even more so than its usual staticky style; typically it was clean and brushed, if quite unruly – his eyes were hollow and surrounded by dark circles. He radiated despair; carrying an aura of grief, guilt, depression, and hopelessness so thick it was almost palpable even to those without my chakra senses. It felt like he had given up, and he was bleeding out from the pain of an open, untreated wound.

To me, it felt like such _raw, weeping agony_ I could barely _stand_ it.

For the first time since we met, I wanted to wrap my arms around him in a hug, and _beg_ my nii-san to _stay with me_.

Yet I knew from my interactions with Itachi that some people didn't like to be touched sometimes, and my past interactions with Kakashi made me suspect he was one of them. At the very least, he seemed to feel that way now. And I wasn't like ‘Shina-ba, who could just wrap him in a hug and refuse to let go until he settled down and let her love him.

Firstly because _I_ was not Kushina; secondly, because _neither_ Kakashi or I worked like that exactly; and lastly, because I was not _nearly_ strong or skilled enough to hold onto him if he didn't want to be held.

Approaching him was actually much more difficult since Rin’s death; he tried to avoid interacting with me as much as possible, so I had to plan it out carefully. There were even a few failed attempts where he managed to flee before I had a chance to speak to him. I plotted this out partially through thinking of him as a slightly more standoffish and less permissive version of Itachi; which actually helped me recognize some of their similarities and made me much more inclined to like him than I had been before.

It was more than a little odd; since they didn't seem to have much in common besides the obvious factors of being genius prodigies, anti-social, and possessing a tendency to obsess over rules and structure.

But the same instinct that had convinced me once upon a time that Itachi’s brain was wired a bit differently from most people's insisted the same with Kakashi. That while their personalities were very different in some ways, they both shared a number of important underlying traits.

I wouldn't understand the concept of neurodiversity until after I regained the memories of my past life; but my instincts allowed me to recognise that these two people were different in ways that no one else seemed to notice.

Recognised as geniuses and prodigies in the shinobi arts, _yes_.

Recognised as having different needs and methods of interacting with the world around them outside of shinobi training, _no._

Eventually, I would come to recognise that neurodiversity was typical among ninja prodigies; centuries of evolution at its finest, skewing the development of infant brains towards shinobi excellence. Ensuring that when neurodiversity cropped up it lent its tendency towards developing an innate skill and prodigious talent towards the areas that would increase the odds of the poor child's survival.

I was not an expert, even when I had all of my memories back – but I knew enough to recognise this, even if only subconsciously. My skill with identifying their needs only rose partially from my subconscious, however.

Though I would not truly come to learn this for some time, Senju Tobirama himself had not been entirely neurotypical; as my DNA had been manipulated to copy his own as closely as possible, I was somewhat neurodivergent now as well. Only partially – not enough that I would have ever received a diagnosis in our world; just enough that the way other neurodivergent people thought and functioned made sense to me and allowed me to intuit their needs more readily than I would have otherwise.

However the days where I would study this phenomena were still a ways off.

For now, I simply drew on all of my instincts, assisted by my knowledge of Itachi's quirks and idiosyncrasies in order to plan out the best approach to take with Kakashi. Added to that, I drew on the conversations I had had with Mikoto and Itachi regarding my own struggles with guilt. I plotted out as much of what I wanted to say as I could ahead of time before I approached him. I could only hope my words would reach him.

“Aniki,” I repeated, more firmly. “I need to talk with you. Will you please listen to me?”

His eyes widened, and darted back and forth for a moment before he straightened his shoulders and visibly steeled himself.

 _“Aa,”_ he said.

I licked my lips. Swallowed, pushed my shoulders back, and spoke.

“Kakashi-nii-san, it’s not your fault. I don't know exactly what happened, but I know you would never try to hurt Rin-nee. I know you never wanted her to get hurt; so whatever happened wasn't your fault. You couldn't know what was going to happen; there was nothing you could do to stop it.”

I drew in a shuddering breath.

“You- I thought that it was my fault, at first; like I should have known something was going to happen. And- and you have it worse, because you were there, and- _Nii-san; it wasn't your fault!”_

Images swam behind my eyes; bloody and violent and heart-wrenching, confusing and unclear. My mouth continued to move; almost without my input. I didn't entirely understand where the words were coming from, or why I spoke them; I only knew that Kakashi _needed_ to hear them.

**_“You didn't kill Rin. She killed herself. You had no way of knowing what she was going to do ahead of time, so you couldn't have stopped her. Rin’s death was not your fault, Kakashi-nii-san!”_ **

He stared at me, lone visible eye impossibly wide, and posture rigid. For all that most of his face was covered, the single eye I could see was filled with a warring mix of disbelief, grief, guilt, and a fragile sort of hope.

**_“Rin made an awful choice in an impossible situation, and you were simply the instrument she used to do it; without your consent! Not her killer – the tool she wielded without permission! You are not responsible for her choices, and blaming yourself only devalues the significance of the sacrifice she chose to make!” _ **

The torrent of words and visions flowing through me swelled; overtaking me to the point where it felt like I was on the verge of snapping, before they were abruptly cut off. My reaction to this incomprehensible and confusing episode was to promptly faint.

* * *

In true, dramatic Uzumaki fashion, I had managed to cause quite a bit of a ruckus while successfully fleeing the fallout – even if it had been completely unintentional.

The episode of my subconscious managing to surface just enough to speak to Kakashi without my understanding or awareness of what was happening had frightened him. And, after he had relayed the incident in full to my guardians, frightened them as well.

Kushina especially was rather terrified; and insisted that he cast a Genjutsu to show them exactly what happened. After which she had gone bone-white and sat down, burying her head in her hands and cursing up a storm. When she calmed down enough to communicate with the others, she explained that Uzumaki who were approaching the threshold of fully activating their Kekkei Genkai had been known to channel messages from the spirit realm – involuntarily at first.

(This was _not_ , of course, what had actually happened to me; but by the time I finally understood exactly what _had_ happened, the incident was long-past. Considering that a side-effect of Kushina's misinterpretation of events was that she convinced Kakashi that Rin had used me as a conduit to send him a message from beyond the grave; begging him to forgive himself, and that this misconception allowed Kakashi to heal more than he probably would have without it; well, I felt that it was best just to let it stand.)

It was something that led to a great deal of emotional outpouring and some much-needed catharsis for all three of them.

However, as activating _Meimyaku_ was absolutely _not_ something that a child as young as I was should be allowed to do; Kushina had promptly explained – as much as she could without spilling Clan Secrets; and only after helping Kakashi through his reaction to the thought of Rin’s spirit absorbing him from blame – that it could potentially have some very severe consequences for me. Which meant that afterwards I had three very fussy, over-protective mother-hens worrying over me. Quite a lot of things were shaken up in the aftermath.

Most notable was the fact that my Uzumaki Clan training ground to a halt.

My fellow Uzumaki regarded me afterwards with a variety of looks that ranged from fear, to awe, to worry, and guilt. But they were reluctant to continue training me in Uzumaki Clan Secrets without knowing exactly what might have pushed me so close to the brink of activating the _Meimyaku_ on _accident_.

In the end, the only Uzumaki Clan technique I continued to receive any instruction in was fuinjutsu; and that was all theory.

Theory, memorization, and calligraphy practice.

While they intended to restart the rest of my training later on, after I was older and better able to monitor myself, that did not quite come to pass. Yet I would later have reason to be grateful that they had spent the remainder of our time together focused on teaching me so much of fuinjutsu.

* * *

Following that fiasco, Kakashi stuck to me like a particularly stubborn burr.

It was _almost_ enough to make me loathe him all over again – _almost_.

All-too-fresh memories of the horrifyingly dark and desperate tone of my Nii-san’s chakra prior to my confronting him; combined with the fact that now, his chakra practically _screamed_ that he was still _very much_ in the process of healing, left me unable to feel anything other than gratitude and relief for his presence. Even when he annoyed me, I was too relieved that he _was_ healing to get upset with him the way I used to; despite the fact that our personalities still tended to clash.

My softened perception of him allowed me to understand him better. I found myself reluctantly growing fond of Kakashi for himself; rather than simply because he was part of our family.

Not that either of us had undergone any extreme shift in personality. I still got frustrated with him and his tendency to be oblivious to things that felt like they should have been obvious sometimes. It only further irritated me that he _still_ couldn't tell when I was upset with him; though I did try to reign my temper in and remind myself that he obviously wasn't doing it on purpose.

No; it was only that he was still – and probably always would be – incredibly awkward, and frequently missed common social cues.

The poor boy honestly had all the social skills of a lost and lonely gnat.

Having paid such careful attention to him for the past few weeks gave me a better understanding of the kind of person he was, for all that I was still too young to articulate any of my intuitive feelings about him properly. I simply recognised that he wasn't really aware of how he came across a lot of the time; and very often when he finally did realise that there was a problem, he had no idea how to fix it.

Having the comparison to Itachi helped, too.

I forced myself to be patient – as much as a not-quite-four-year-old could be, anyway – and actually made an effort.

As a result, we actually started to connect and bond.

It helped soothe something in me to think about how happy Rin would be to know we were actually getting along most of the time now.

As I began to become more and more fond of him, I started to call him ‘Aniki’ more often.

For all that ‘Nii-san’ was a much less formal and technically more intimate term of address, calling the older boy ‘Aniki’ became the mark of my affection for him. After all, I called a number of other people ‘Nii-san' besides Kakashi.

But ‘Aniki’ was a name that was just for him.

I even managed to set aside my discomfort and slight fear to insist on bonding with his pack.

It was actually a wonderful decision; I may not have liked dogs very much, but Kakashi's dogs were very important to him. Developing a better relationship with them helped me to continue developing a better relationship with him as well.

I even admitted to finding them a bit frightening, and he was careful after that to only introduce me to them one at a time. Spending one afternoon with one particular dog until I was used to it and comfortable enough with it to overcome the uneasiness before repeating the process with a different dog – starting from Pakkun; the smallest, and working my way up to bigger dogs much more gradually. I would never be a dog person, but I ended up liking my Aniki's pack.

Pakkun and I in particular spent a lot of time together once I figured out that he was an excellent snuggler.

Over the course of these bonding sessions, I noticed that Kakashi was much more comfortable interacting with his dogs than he generally was with people. He was much more sure of himself and at ease in their presence.

He talked more, and more easily, when it was the two of us sitting on the grass outside together with a dog in each of our laps.

It was one such day where I learned about Obito-nii-san.

* * *

We were sitting together in the garden behind the house, resting after a gruelling training session. It was quiet – partly because I was exhausted, and partly because Aniki was being considerate and waiting for me to be ready to speak.

At least, that's what I _thought_ he was doing.

It turned out that he as just lost in thought; trying to make up his mind about speaking.

“I'm not your only brother, you know,” he spoke abruptly in a low tone.

Staring away, face unreadable, he was silent for a moment. He swallowed, then glanced down.

“We had another teammate,” he said. “His name was Uchiha Obito; he would have been your Obito-nii.” His body was stiff, uncomfortable. “He would have been your favourite.”

Brow furrowed, I squinted at him in confusion. 

“Why do you think so?” I asked, somehow certain that he was wrong.

Kakashi paused, awkwardly, before continuing in his usual monotone way. “He was cheerful, loud, and kind.” Another pause. “He was a bit like Kushina-nee-san, actually.”

I had to stifle an instinctual feeling of offense at the suggestion. _No one_ was like Kushina-ba. She was _special_.

Tilting my head at him cutely – I was not quite aware that the intended effect was rather lost on him – I tried to reason out my disagreement. “But he _isn't_ Kushina-ba,” I explained. “So why would _that_ make him my favourite?”

Uncomfortable, Kakashi looked away.

“He was... good with children,” he spoke slowly. “He was good with people in general. Better than me, anyway.” A hint of shame entered his eyes. “He wouldn't have made so many mistakes with you,” he admitted.

Lips pursed, I eyed him through narrowed eyes.

“That doesn't matter,” I asserted. “You're my Aniki; and even if I _had_ an Obito-nii, you'd still be my Aniki.”

Wild-eyed, he whipped his head back around to stare at me. I held his gaze and nodded seriously.

“Just because we used to fight sometimes doesn't mean you’re not important to me,” I assured him. “And... you understand what it's like.” His blank stare had me squirm a little in discomfort. “Being a prodigy.” The words weren't boastful; I was simply stating a fact. Kakashi and I were both prodigies. 

Hesitantly, he nodded once; then looked down at his hands.

“Obito wasn’t a prodigy,” He admitted. “Obito was... Obito was _awkward_. He... _tried_. He tried _really hard;_ and in the end, he even saved my life.”

Sneaking a glance at me he added, “But for a shinobi, he was pretty clumsy.” I thought there was a hint of a smile in his face as he continued, “And sometimes he could miss the obvious.”

Peeking up at me once more, he offered, “He was actually sort of ridiculous; always running late, and he had the wildest excuses. Or else he was getting into the most bizarre or unbelievable situations.” He chuckled.

“Tell me about him?”

More relaxed now, Kakashi was smiling a bit more obviously. He was still grieving, and hurting badly; but he was also thinking of happier memories from his tone.

“Actually, there was this one time, where he caused our team to get trampled by a wild squirrel stampede,” he teased, eyeing my reaction with glee.

“What? No way!”

“It's true! It happened on our first mission out of the village after we became a team. See, it all started because he decided to pack these cookies he baked himself – he made the recipe up on his own; and he _did not_ know how to cook, let me tell you – anyway, it was a recipe he made up himself for cookies he brought along to share, that basically ended up being like the squirrel version of catnip...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for commenting, subscribing, bookmarking, and leaving kudos!  
>  When I came back to AO3 again and started looking over them it was humbling and overwhelming for me to see how much love my fics have been getting in spite of my absence.  
>  (Seriously; I almost cried. You guys are amazing!)  
>  I'm sorry there haven't been any updates in so long.  
>  I'm really sorry this story has seemed abandoned for a while. I had a miscarriage and lost my will to write for a while. I didn't post anything about a hiatus; partly because it was very low on my list of priorities at the time, and partly because I didn't expect it to go on for so long.  
>  While I've recently started writing again, it took a bit for me to get over my hangups about writing this series - since I started it about a month before I got pregnant and worked on it throughout my pregnancy; the two concepts just felt very linked to my mind. So I started writing again in a totally different fandom at first; and have now ventured into a few AUs/side stories for this series to ease myself back into it. I'm currently working on the next chapter of TSB right now, and not experiencing any issues, so I can finally say that I'm doing good again.  
>  (I'm also a bit of a praise-whore; and the more kudos and bookmarks and subscriptions and comments I get, the more motivated I am to write more, and write more often.)  
>  Like I said; I intend to update this series again soon.  
>  *coughs*  
>  The update schedule for this series so far is this: 
> 
> **January -**  
>  **Weekend 9th/10th:**  
>  The Spaces Between _(Chapter 5/27)_  
>  Don't Touch _(E-rated WYMPFL Side-story AU) (Chapter 2/3)_  
>  We Are Not Broken _(TBS Side-story AU started back in April) (Chapter 5/8)_  
>  Love Walks The Bloodiest Road _(Chapter 2)_  
>  Heroes Are Over-Rated _(Chapter 3/30)_  
>  How To Build Your Triad _(HAOR Side-story/prequel(Lily/James/Sirius)) (Chapter 2/10)_  
>  **Weekend 16th/17th:**  
>  The Spaces Between _(Chapter 6/27)_  
>  Don't Touch _(E-rated WYMPFL Side-story AU) (Chapter 3/3)_  
>  We Are Not Broken _(TBS Side-story AU started back in April) (Chapter 6/8)_  
>  Love Walks The Bloodiest Road _(Chapter 3)_  
>  **Weekend 23rd/24th:**  
>  The Spaces Between _(Chapter 7/27)_  
>  We Are Not Broken _(TBS Side-story AU started back in April) (Chapter 7/8)_  
>  Love Walks The Bloodiest Road _(Chapter 4)_  
>  **Weekend 30th/31st:**  
>  Heroes Are Over-Rated _(Chapter 4/30)_  
>  How To Build Your Triad(HAOR Side-story/prequel(Lily/James/Sirius)) (Chapter 3/10) 
> 
> **February -**  
>  **Weekend 6th/7th:**  
>  The Spaces Between _(Chapter 8/27)_  
>  We Are Not Broken _(TBS Side-story AU started back in April) (Chapter 8/8)_  
>  Love Walks The Bloodiest Road _(Chapter 5)_  
>  **Weekend 13th/14th:**  
>  Heroes Are Over-Rated _(Chapter 5/30)_  
>  How To Build Your Triad(HAOR Side-story/prequel(Lily/James/Sirius)) (Chapter 4/10)  
>  **Weekend 20th/21st:**  
>  The Spaces Between _(Chapter 9/27)_  
>  Love Walks The Bloodiest Road _(Chapter 6)_  
>  **Weekend 27th/28th:**  
>  Heroes Are Over-Rated _(Chapter 6/30)_  
>  How To Build Your Triad(HAOR Side-story/prequel(Lily/James/Sirius)) (Chapter 5/10) 
> 
> I'll be posting a more detailed and extensive update schedule (IE: how many future chapters to expect when) in the End Notes of the next chapter of each fic. For now, I have the updates for DT and WANB almost completely ready; and the update for HAOR almost half-ready for tomorrow.  
>  The following picture sets were actually created for the story "Love Walks The Bloodiest Road"; another FCT story. But they still apply for this fic - other than Uchiha Ayumi(FCT).

**Author's Note:**

> Mistress Peverell has graciously agreed to beta for me. Thank you so much!


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